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Rands Vegas System -- GIRLS GIRLS GIRLS

The past three columns of the RANDS VEGAS SYSTEM have been designed for most moderately aged persons who are looking to stretch their Vegas dollar. The Girls Girls Girls column is targeted for a fairly specific type of person. If you aren’t this type of person, it’s likely this column will piss you off.

A good qualification question on where you lie relative to this ‘ideal reader’ would be, “Are you expecting to get laid for free in Vegas?” If your answer is anywhere close to “Yes”, then stop reading right now. There is no way in the world that you are going to end up going home with a Stripper without paying for it. And, trust me, you don’t want to.

The ‘ideal reader’ of this column has some combination of following qualifications:

• Has never been to a strip club ever
• Likes going to strip clubs, but wonders what the big deal is
• Enjoys getting the occasional dance for free o Has as much fun talking and drinking with Strippers, as getting dances from them

If you’re still wondering whether or not this column is for you, I will simplify with a single question, “Do you enjoy having a babe on your arm?” Yes? Good, read on.

Timing

As with all activities in Vegas, there is a time and place for everything. If this is your first strip club experience or you’re looking to find a new favorite spot, you want to get the odds on your side and by odds I do mean a TREMENDOUS AMOUNT OF DECENT LOOKING BABES. Strip clubs are in full force on Friday and Saturday night. These are the nights when Strippers from across the nation travel into Vegas to earn $3,000 a night for giving you the impression that they care.

This is not to say that other nights of the week don’t have potential, I happen to be a big fan of the Sunday night strip club action, but when you’re looking for a slithering mass of perfume and glitter, Friday and Saturday are your nights.

Time of night is of equal importance. If you’re planning a Friday/Saturday jaunt, a good rule of thumb is to arrive around 10pm. This is early in Vegas terms, but has two important benefits. First, you’ll likely get to pick your own table. As we’ll see below, this is essential for babe identification and acquisition. Second, while every Joe and Bob from San Jose to Brooklyn is out losing his shirt at the Craps table, you’re on your second vodka tonic staring at babes who, with every sip, are just getting hotter.

Cash Management

This is the situation you must avoid in a Las Vegas strip club. It’s 3am and you’re fully wasted. You’ve already blown all your folding money, but are too drunk to walk let, let alone operate, the ATM. The bad news is that you’re $200 in the hole to Alice Big Tits and she’s realized that you, the sloppy drunk, are going to need to carried to the ATM whereupon you ARE GOING TO TELL HER YOUR PIN NUMBER so you can get the cash out to pay her. This is wrong is so many ways.

Proper cash management sets the stage for a tremendous strip club experience. Knowing how much money you are planning to spend gives you the perfect reason to leave when 4am rolls around and you’ve fallen in love. SORRY SUZY I’M BROKE, SOBERING UP, AND YOU’RE GETTING UGLY.

The basic unit of currency is a twenty dollar bill. It represents one dance or about three decent drinks. I plan for the long haul on club nights which translates to anywhere from five to ten hours with the occasional twelve hour stint. As we’ll see below, all of this time is not consumed by getting dances; in fact, I often spend many hours doing nothing but steady drinking and staring. This makes it difficult to recommend a standard bank roll for an evening, but $300 feels like a good round number. This roughly translates into ten dances, plenty of booze, and a cover charge.

Strip Club Selection

I’m going to show a painful bias with this section. I only go to Olympic Gardens (“OGs”). It’s been that way for years and I’ll partially explain why.

I believe there are two types of clubs in Vegas. Partially nude and fully nude. Other than obvious difference, there is also the question of alcohol. Because of some dumb prick, the fully nude clubs do not allow alcohol. You could get around this several years ago by just stuffing your booze in a grocery bag and walking in… they wouldn’t even look, but someone got tense about this loophole and now you must smuggle your booze in either in flasks or simply get loaded beforehand.

I’m not a fan of either. I’m hanging in a club to relax. Running off to the bathroom to pour vodka in my Sprite is neither dignified nor hygienic. Drinking beforehand clouds your judgment when you arrive which means Alice the MegaWhore will fleece you of sixty dollars before you realize that she’s ugly and dumb. Finally, my average strip club stay is anywhere from four to ten hours which means if I’m not constantly administering booze, then I’M SOBERING UP LORD GOD I’M PAYING FOR THIS LADY TO GRIND MY FACE INTO THE COUCH.

Partially nude clubs have full bars. Yes, the drinks are outrageously expensive, but you didn’t come here to save money, in fact, you came here to lose your money without the slightest hope of being able to win it back. Chill out. Open a tab, you’ll be here awhile.

OGs is a partially nude club. This means that the Strippers will never take off the bottom portion of what they’re wearing. If this is a really big deal to you, please stop reading this column. You are clearly from Tennessee where staring at bush is the popular pastime and you’re unlikely to get much from this column. If you’re still reading, don’t worry about those bikinis, boys… they’re just another easily handled speed bump on the way to FALLING IN LOVE WITH YOUR FAVORITE STRIPPER. Keep reading.

I realize I have not fully justified OGs. The only real way to do that would be to experience it, but I do have tangential evidence which demonstrates that OGs is simply the only place to go.

Taxi drivers have much power in Vegas. If you’re clueless, you’re likely to ask your cab driver where to go. Club owners know you’re going to do this and often offer taxis a kickback equal to the cover charges you’ll pay to get in the door. In past years, every taxi cab driver I’ve asked has ripped on OGs and recommended another place. THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH REALITY, they’re paid to recommend strip clubs. In fact, it’s a backwards compliment for OGs because OGs knows they’ve got the best girls in town and are letting honest word of mouth, rather than taxi cab drivers, drive their business.

If you’re looking to go somewhere else, I really can’t help… this column isn’t about where to go, it’s about what to do when you get there. I’ve heard that Cheetah’s and the Spearmint Rhino are nice, but who knows.

Team Sports

This section is going to be obvious to folks who have never been to a strip club because they’re going to nervous about seeing a room full of naked women. Their natural reaction is to bring six of their closest friends so they can say, “Dude, she’s, like, totally naked.” This takes care of the initial nervousness; the booze takes care of the rest.

Strip clubs excursions are a team sport and there are two teams. One team is you and your buddies. Your team goal is to, first, make sure that everyone on the team enjoys themselves and, second, to remember that they enjoyed themselves. Fortunately for your team, the other team (i.e.: the room full of Strippers) mostly share your goals of have a good, memorable time, but they’re also on the clock. More on this later.

Bringing friends, again, should seem natural to folks who have never been to a strip club. Of course you are going to bring your buddies. Then, you’re going to have an amazing night. You’re going to pay some chick named Jazz $400 to sit on your lap all night simply because you’ve got a thing for that zebra print bikini she’s wearing. While she’s there, you’re going to stare deeply into her eyes and forget your friends are even in the same state. When she’s gone, you’re going to high five every friend at the table and buy a round of drinks ON YOU BECAUSE, JESUS CHRIST, YOU ARE THE MAN.

The next morning, you’ll still smell like stripper. You’ll want to return, but, maybe the other pals didn’t have such a good time. They want to gamble. You are going to consider going by yourself to the strip club.

Don’t.

Remember what your team goals are. First, have a good time. Second, remember that you had a good time. Believe it or not, these goals are intimately tied together. How much fun you have will be directly correlated to how many people remember it. Confused? Think of it like this, how much better are you going to tell the story of the time when the stunning brunette Stripper came to the table, hung out all night, bought the table drinks, and didn’t charge anyone a dime if YOU WERE ACTUALLY THERE.

You need a witness for your fun or else it’s just mental masturbation.

Table Selection

Ok, so it’s 10:15pm and you and your gang just rolled into OGs on a Friday night. You are about to make the biggest irreversible decision of the night… where to sit. At OGs, there are two main rooms; we’ll call them the MAIN ROOM and the BACK ROOM. The back room is usually empty except for Fridays and Saturdays, but it’s a Friday so you bolt for the back room. Here’s why:

• Ambiance. The front room is a fucking mob scene when midnight rolls around. The back room is, as well, but to a lesser extent.
• Proximity to the dressing room. As we’ll discover below, you’re going to spend some time selecting your Stripper(s) and the back room is where Strippers go to and fro. You’ll also get the added benefit of potentially seeing your Stripper in street clothes which can either be magical or nauseating.
• Couches and tables. The back room has a lot of defensive furniture, namely couches and tables. Shortly, you’ll understand how to use these to avoid the constant barrage of ho-like Strippers who ask you if you’d like a dance. The back room at OGs is backed with couches on both sides of the room with a vast array of tables in the middle.

NOTE TO GENTLEMEN SPORTING DOLLAR BILLS: All strip club newbies are going to make their first move sauntering up to the stages with the naked chicks. They’re going to sit there with twenty dollars in singles and they’re going to think they’ve “arrived”. All strip club rookies need to go through this phase because, face it, during most of our normal lives we aren’t offered the opportunity of paying women for affection… receiving affection involves laborious listening, gifting and life long commitment and PEOPLE WE’RE NOT LOOKING FOR MISS RIGHT WE’RE LOOKING FOR MISS RIGHT NOW. If you need to stretch your strip club wings at the stage dances, fine, but if it’s all you’re doing, you’re seriously missing out.

NOTE TO VIP ROOM ENTHUSIASTS: Most establishments have the equivalent of a VIP room which is billed as a place where you pay more to be able to “do” more. I’ve never been in a VIP room primarily because I’m having too much fun out front in the Sea of Babes. If you’ve been to a VIP room and want to brag, I’d love to hear about it.

“The Pocket”

The moment your group has decided on a location, you need to make another move, you need to head straight to the pocket. The pocket is any location on a couch or table where you have one or more buddies (I call them ‘stooges’) on either side of you preferably with your back to either a wall or a difficult to travel portion of the room.

The pocket is essential because it removes the single largest annoyance of the evening, the constant flow of Strippers asking if you’d like a dance. The problem with the first ten minutes that you’re sitting at your table is that you are, invariably, nervous and likely to say ‘yes’ to a mediocre Stripper. You need, at least, a half hour to size up the room and pound a few gin and tonics before you have a remote chance of finding Miss Right Now. The pocket gives you this opportunity.

First timers are great stooges as they will be so distracted by the first naked chick writhing on the stage that they won’t realize they’re sitting in a vulnerable position. Strip club regulars are harder to dupe, but in larger groups even they forget because, hey, suddenly there are tits every which way.

Miss Right Now, Timing

Let’s recap. It’s 10:30pm now, you’ve finished your first drink, and you’re comfortable sitting in the pocket watching the stooges get harassed by every Stripper who happens to walk by. Your job continues to be “Stripper Assessment”. This is a process whereby you’re figuring out what exactly is going to float your boat this evening. Are you into goth chicks tonight? How about surf babes? Or maybe it’s just hair color. Are blondes looking tasty? Wait, strike that, PLATINUM BLONDES OH YEAH NOW WE’RE TALKING.

The point is, it’s highly likely that whatever your twisted little mind is into at that particular moment, OGs has in quantity. There is never ever a need to settle on anything less than what you desire.

For me, this process can take hours and usually more than three drinks. This is important to repeat: identification of the perfect babe can take many hours. For those of you chomping at the bit to get freaky with a Stripper, this might seem like an eternity, but what would you rather have, three dancers from random mediocre Strippers or ten dances from a Stripper who you are predisposed to believe is the NEXT MRS. YOU.

The beautiful thing about this process is that it will be painfully obvious to you when you identify the perfect Stripper. You’ll be sitting back in your chair, five drinks in, partially depressed that everyone else appears to be having a ball when WHAM HEY THERE’S THAT STRIPPER WHOSE GOT THAT MICHELLE PFEIFFER THING GOING ON HEY OUT OF MY WAY STOOGE.

These are the moments you are searching for and they are few and far between. They are a delicate balance of significant drunkenness and remarkable psychic lucidity combined with the unnatural opportunity to have what you what when you want it. Life rarely offers you this, so jump when you see it.

“The Happy Place”

You’re there. Jessica the Stripper saw you leap up from the pocket to get her attention. You’re thinking love at first sight and she’s thinking you’re an easy $500. This contrast, which you won’t remember at the time, is important to remember. Strippers are there to make a living; you are there to have the time of your life. With careful maneuvering, there is a middle ground you can discover where you can both momentarily forget this.

As with casino waitresses, you are going to get better service if you strive to make some connection with the Stripper. This involves talking and thanks to those five gin and tonics you had, you’re pretty chatty. Good. Chat away, find out about your Stripper. Ask her questions. She wants to be a veterinarian? Really, what does that involve? She’s a legal assistant? Wow. Tell me more, I HAVE NEVER CARED MORE ABOUT A LEGAL ASSISTANTS’ RESPONSIBILITES THAN I DO RIGHT NOW.

The point is to find some common ground so that you can briefly forget that you are a paying customer and she is a Stripper. Unless you’ve already drunk yourself senseless, you’ll be able to discern in the first few minutes whether or not your Stripper is as dumb as a sack of hammers. If she is and you care, get your single dance, thank her very much for time, and return to target acquisition mode.

If you do find the blessed common ground, then you’ve made it. She’s going to relax, you’re going to relax. You’ll buy her drink or ten, she’ll occasionally take her top off and crawl all over you, and it’s simply the best. We like to call this “The Happy Place”.

The Happy Place is the primary reason I constantly return to OGs. In all my recent adventures there, I have always found some way into my Happy Place. For four trips in a row, it was a blonde goddess named Trussy who drank like a fish with me for six hours. On the most recent trip, I found Jessica after three hours of searching. She was a stunning brunette who teaches yoga in her spare time. We hit it off in record time and, by the end of evening, she had dragged me to a private couch where the last dances were free… and painfully memorable.

NOTE TO THOSE WHO FALL IN LOVE: During this blissful period, don’t think for a second that your Stripper isn’t counting each and every dance that she’s giving you. When she’s determined that she’s going to be here awhile, she may stop asking you whether “you’d like another dance”, but she’s tallying up $20 for each and every song. She doesn’t lose count, neither should you.

Worst Strip Club… Ever

You’re going to blow it at some point. Either you’re not going to take my advice about OGs and go some place else or maybe you’re terribly unlucky and OGs is just not sporting your Miss Right Now. However you blew it, you’re sitting in the pocket on your fifth jack and coke and third hour of boredom. This sucks.

As a last ditch effort, I highly recommend leaving… or at least looking like you’re ready to leave. Getting out of a strip can take some time because, chances are, not everyone in your group is as big a loser as you that evening. While you’re sitting there shuffling around in your seat, checking your watch, and staring at the door, you’re giving your brain a chance to reset and, more often than not, Miss Right Now just shows up.

If this seems kooky to you, remember that you’re the guy have a crappy time and, worst case, this last ditch effort is going to get you out the door and back to other Vegas indulgences.

Exit Strategies

Regardless of how much fun you’re having, at some point, it’s going to be time to leave. Perhaps you’re out of money, perhaps you’ve been there ten hours and it’s time to sleep. Whatever the case may be, it’s time to leave. If you’ve succeeded in finding your Happy Place then it’s likely you’re entertaining thoughts of your Stripper outside of the club. While this is entertaining mental masturbation, it’s time to face some the facts.

As with most activities which involve fun in Vegas, this was a business transaction. You were paying money to have this gorgeous thing sit on you.

It’s a dark room, you’re drunk, and she’s a Stripper. In a room with regularlighting when you’re sober, she’s still a Stripper. My advice is have a great time while you’re there, know when to get out, and think fondly of the experience when you’ve left.

Next up: Player’s Cards and Comps…