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SIZING UP VEGAS (AUGUST 2002)

There are finite amount spectrums by which to judge a Vegas trip. They are:

- Money
- Gambling
- Girls Girls Girls
- Booze

These are a direct translation of the topics of preparation within the Rands Vegas System, but in order to judge how your Vegas experience went, I’ll ask the following questions:

MONEY. How much money did you take? Did you bring money back? How many times did you attend mass at the ATM? Did you wake up in the middle of the night worrying about cash? Did you borrow money from friends? At any point, did you calculate the number of days until your next direct deposit paycheck? Did you tell people you were up, but forget to calculate the loss associated with your plane flight and hotel room?

GAMBLING: (Note: Yes, this judge on a different scale than money) Did you gamble? Did you leave a casino “feeling up”? Did you make a bet that scared the shit out of you? Did you tell someone you were counting cards when you actually don’t know how? Did you roll the dice at craps? Did you play a game where you did not know the rules?

GIRLS GIRLS GIRLS: Did you go to a strip club? Did you let the taxi cab driver suggest a spot? Did you go by yourself? Did you get a dance? Did you want that dance? Did you buy a stripper a drink? Drinks? Did you stalk a stripper? Did you smoke with a stripper even though you don’t smoke? Where you ever on an hourly rate? (Versus a per dance rate) Did you get your stripper’s real name? Would you not shut up about your stripper the next day?

BOOZE: Did you drink? Did you keep track of the number of drinks? Did you drink before 9am after going to bed at 6am? Did you pay for a drink? Did you throw up? Did you throw up and continue drinking? Did you buy booze at liquor store to save money on gambling? Did you every have more than two drinks in front of you? Did you spill a drink while gambling? Do you have a drinking regimen? (ie: coffee drinks before noon, whiskey after midnight)

Once you’ve gone through these questions, you’re going to end up with an overall impression of each category. Those impressions are:

FUCKING AWESOME
PRETTY GOOD
GOOD
ALMOST PATHETIC
TRULY PATHETIC
NOT TALKING ABOUT IT

With this system in place, let’s take a look at my most recent trip:

MONEY: FUCKING AWESOME

I was up. Really up. As you’ll see below, the gambling wasn’t anything to write home about, but I had much cash upon returning from Vegas and that included air fare and hotel. This rarely happens.

GAMBLING: PRETTY GOOD

Most of the cash was a result of attending a hole in the wall casino on the Strip called O’Shea’s. This is not to say that my regular waterhole, the Barbery Coast, wasn’t rocking, I was actually making decent bank at a Pai Gow table, but the Boys wanted to travel.

O’Shea’s is just a few Vegas blocks north of Ballys. Like Barbery Coast, it has very cheap gambling even on Saturday night. They also serve their booze in largish plastic cups which gave me a sense of safety in a world of miniature breakable Vegas glasses. As I couldn’t find a Pai Gow table at O’Shea’s, I camped at a single deck Blackjack table with $75. Thirty minutes later, I stood up with $300 and a full screwdriver. Can’t complain.

This was immediately followed up by a moderately good roll at a $5 craps table where I changed another $100 into $250. I walked out of O’Shea’s with a cigarette, a serious buzz, and four hundred bucks I hadn’t started with. This certainly puts O’Shea’s on the A list for affordable gambling spots on the strip.

You might wonder why this section is not ranked as FUCKING AWESOME. This is simple: FUCKING AWESOME is reserved for when you are UP FUCKING BANK. This is the unachievable state of simply not being able to lose during a Vegas weekend. This is hitting a single number on roulette on your way out of the hotel after already fleecing the City of Sin for Fifty Large.

BOOZE: GOOD

I’ve got a pretty solid regimen for drinking in Vegas. It’s called Vodka. I rarely drinking anything but. This makes for predictable drunkenness which given ALL THAT PUKING IN THE 90s is a good thing.

The reason the drinking was marginal is that I never got truly stupid. You know, that yelling, punching, running up and pinching the nipples of marble statues kind’a drunk that only comes after nineteen hours of heavy drinking. I missed that. Not sure why.

GIRLS GIRLS GIRLS: NOT TALKING ABOUT IT

I had my eye set on a stripper that I had a wondrous time during my last trip. She was there the first night we set foot in Olympic Gardens. Hugs were exchanged, she climbed in my lap, and sat there for four hours. That didn’t suck.

What did suck was that she was under the impression she was on an hourly rate. Meanwhile, I was counting dances. When we found the end of the evening, there was a large discrepancy between what I was willing to pay and what she was expecting. RANDS TIP: DON’T EVER ARGUE WITH STRIPPERS. They’re backed up by guys in tuxedos who roll tourists for fun.

While I was not rolled, it was abundantly clear that I was on the losing side of the argument regardless of strength of my facts. Fortunately, I was up and drunk, so coughing up four hundred didn’t hurt that much until the following morning.

THE LESSON: If some gorgeous lady is sitting in your lap in a strip club and isn’t dancing much, you’re still paying.

It takes several days of being home to size up a Vegas trip. This due to the fact that once you’ve arrived in Vegas, you’re no longer yourself. You’re drunk, lacking in sleep, eating horribly, being fiscally irresponsible, and demeaning women. The last person you should trust for an opinion is yourself.

Forty eight hours of sobriety shows you the truth about any trip. As was the case in this one, my hatred for money grubbing strippers has lessened and all the money I was up is already gone. Sounds about right.