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How to Win at Low Limit Poker

You bet it’s time for Vegas. Yes, four days of drunken bliss where the free booze is flowing and sleep is strictly optional. The regular crew is being joined by Brick House, Injun Joe, and Smithers. The three rookies have Vegas chops. Brick carries with him a +3 Cup of Drinking while Joe has demonstrated primal poker talent even with continued rumors of poor drinking ability. As for Smithers, well, the jury’s out on Smithers… he’s on the cusp. Full report when we get back.

The name of the game in Vegas is still Texas Hold ‘Em. I cleaned house the last time I was in Vegas with some well played 3/6 against various Vegas rookies. Since I’ve returned, I’ve played both online and at local card clubs with the following results:

• Online — I generally win at sit’n’go tournaments. By generally, I mean… if I don’t finish in the top three, I’m pissed. As for regular ring games, I’d say I’m up overall, but it’s hardly as consistent as the tournaments. A decent chunk of my bankroll for this Vegas trip comes from online winnings which is a first.
• Card clubs — I suck. It’s not abysmal suckage, but overall, I’m down since I came back from Vegas.

Hmmmm. Same game… same rules… so what’s the deal? How is my game changing when I’m facing real people?

Believe it or not, it’s NADD. Mittelfinger pointed this out the other night and after chewing on the comment for a night, I made an adjustment to my strategy and have had three winning sessions in a row. This could still be a fluke, but with each passing night of poker, I grow more confident my NADD adjustment is paying off.

Before I explain the adjustment, we need some context:

Brain dead differences between online and card room play. First, there are people. This is intimidating for novice players, but once you’ve played with real people a few times, the butterflies vanish and you begin the task of trying to figure people out. That’s another column.

Second, the stakes in person are generally higher. This is a personal choice as there are plenty of 2/4 tables online, but I tend to play lower limit games such as .5/1. Given I play the same number of hands online as in person, this would mean, in general, I am taxed less to play online.

Third. Problem is, I play MORE hands online because the game moves faster because the dealer is a computer who doesn’t stop to yell at new players. How much faster is a compuDealer? I dunno, I’m sure someone does.

The differences roll-up is this: in person, I am playing against people with higher blinds and I’m playing less hands because less hands are being dealt… and I’m generally losing money. Given I’m playing the same way online and winning, the logical deduction is that I’m not playing the same way… and that’s right, I’m not… I have NADD.

The major difference between online play and card room is that when I’m playing online, I’ve got two flat panel monitors covered with things to do when I’m not in a hand. It goes like this:

• Hand is dealt. KingClubs, 10Spades. Not suited. Fold
• I now have approximately 37 seconds to goof around elsewhere on my computer before the next hand is dealt. How do I know it’s 37 seconds? It’s because I have NADD and my entire life is measure in 37 second spurts of activity. Mail, IM, Poker, IM, Safari, IM, Poker.

When I’m playing with real people, I’m bored. When I fold my hand, I’m not watching how the hand is playing out, I’m thinking about the four Rands articles I’ve got in my head, I’m chewing on a piece of code… I’m doing any number of things while OH HEY ANOTHER HAND TO PLAY YAY.

Here’s the problem. With NADD, you’re always looking for an intellectual fix… a high. It comes in a variety of forms and varies depending on the person, but you know it when you’ve found it. It’s nailing a problem in your head. It’s the blissful depths of the programming zone. It’s discovering a weblog entry that explains it all. NADD is a quest for these highs.

Poker is NADD friendly because ever hand has the potential to be a fix. My issue is that when I play online, I play correctly because if I fold a hand I have my other twelve windows to sooth my NADD… when I play in person, I have less outlets which means I do the worst possible poker maneuver. I call loosely.

Loose calling is poker is really simple to define, but hard to enforce. A loose call is when you call a hand that you are statistically unlikely to win. Sure, sometimes you get lucky and hit that flush with 10-8 of clubs in your hand… but in the long haul, you will get beat down. I know I do.

My thinking process is this when I’m playing with live people:

• Hand is dealt. KingClubs, 10Spades. Hmmmm… haven’t played a hand in awhile and, weeeeeeelllllll….. King… 10… It’s a face card right? Ok, call. $2.00.
• Flop comes. 10Diamonds, 9Hearts, 6Hearts. HEY TOP PAIR WOOOOO.

Stop. Let’s enumerate just a couple of reasons I shouldn’t be in this hand. There’s a straight draw there… a flush draw… and you know any Ace will screw me. Problem is, I want to play… I’ve got top pair and I’m going to see the river which is going to cost me a total of $10… just because I want to play.

Multiply this scenario by five hundred hands and it becomes obvious why I’m down. Loose calling. My rationale at the time was, well, I’m not calling complete crap and, well, it’s only $2.00 at a 2/4 table. It’s not $2.00… I’m guessing, on average, a loose call is costing me $4-$8 a called hand… PLUS I GET TO PLAY.

The question is: do you want to play or do you want to win?

If you want to play, go for it, play those cards. Poker is an amazing game and you’re going to like it, but you’re not going to win unless you’re cognizant of basic odds and employ a calling strategy based on those odds. YES I KNOW ABOUT THE TIME YOU WON $700 AT 3/6 TOTALLY HAMMERED OUT OF YOUR GOURD.

For me, the solution was painfully simple. Rather than just telling myself, “Don’t loose call”, I put myself on a schedule. I allow myself one loose call every thirty minutes.

Silly, no?

Here’s why it works for me. First, it gives me a structure to work within. It’s the same solution program managers employ when they pick a deadline out of thin air for my development team. I know the date is a myth, but it’s a start… it gives my team a date to focus on. We’ll deal with the irrelevancy of the date later…

The other reason my loose call window works is that I’m given the impression that I CAN loose call… just every thirty minutes or so. This placates my I’VE GOT A PLAY problem with the idea that I’LL PLAY REAL SOON NOW. Mind games with myself… you gotta love it.

The last reason this works is obvious. I play less crap hands. If you assume that my hand selection criteria is now decent then I should be winning more hands… which I am.

Poker purist are going to giggle about my thirty minute loose calling window. They will say the same thing as every column in every poker rag… AVOID LOOSE CALLING AT ALL COSTS. Yeah, I know, but I am not and never will be a professional poker player. I design software for a living. Still, my NADD compels me to understand poker as much as possible… I need to study it and then play it… make adjustments… and play again… and once I understand it, I’ll move onto something else.

Rands Home Poker System

Poker is hand to hand combat without all the blood.

One of the main reasons poker is so painfully popular is because it’s a game of pure competition. If you’re in Vegas and you’re sitting at a poker table, you’re not quietly, anonymously playing against the house, you’re staring at the folks you’re playing… and it’s not a game of chance. Great cards help, but the only consistent way to win is to understand those sitting at the table with you so that you may beat them… at poker.

“Player knowledge” is the unspoken game in poker and, once you’ve played poker awhile, you’ll begin to hear whispers of it. It’s played out with subtle grins and nods between players. It’s the offhand comments that seem trivial… a hint of game that has little to do with the cards… it has to do with the power struggle at the table. Who is winning? Who is savvy? Who has taken a fierce beating and is just waiting to pounce?

If you watch poker, the best example of this game of subtly is when a professional player just loses it. He/She throws their cards down, stands out, crazed with frustration. Rookie observers think “Bad Beat” seasoned players observe watch the other players to see who just screwed the pro. The nod from the guy in the 3rd seat. That’s him. He just beat down the pro at his own game. Sweet.

I’ve been playing poker regularly for just under a year. Once I figured out that a flush beat a straight, Middlefinger and I started to talking about a home game… a regular game where we could get some reps against 3D people who have actual facial expressions.

With 20+ home games under my belt, I think I’ve found a valuable set of rules and ideas that creates a predictable, fun home game. My goal is to suggest a game which is fun for players of any skill. It’s approachable to someone who has never played before, but it’s also entertaining to someone very familiar with poker nuance and strategy. Your mileage may vary.

Let’s go.

Decisions To Make Before You Begin

Fun or money? I’ve never played a poker game that hasn’t involved some type of cash, but I’ve heard of fun money games that folks throw in order to get rookie players up to speed. OOooOOooOOOk. I guess that’s a good way to learn about the mechanics of the game, but it doesn’t teach you the unspoken rules which appear when your paycheck is sitting on the table.

If you’re considering a fun money game, I’d suggest that maybe you and your friends aren’t ready for a formal poker game. Why not go online, get some reps in the scads of fun money rooms, and then put together a money game? If you and your friends are worried about the money involved, well, first, why are you thinking about playing poker? Second, you can construct the stakes in any way that you want… from pennies, to quarters, to dollars. I’ll talk about this more below, but the point is: Money on the table drastically changes the game of poker. If you’re playing for fun money, you’re playing the rules, not the game.

Type of game. I’m hugely biased here. All of our games are Texas Hold’Em. I’ve played in home games where it’s dealer’s choice and that can be entertaining… but the game is unpredictable and, frankly, not much more interesting than other games of chance. It’s still poker, but the wildly varying rule set means that many hands are a coinflip. Yawn.

I originally thought that a single game might bore folks, but we’ve never had a complaint. A single game which happens to be Hold’Em means players get to focus on a single, pure game.

Who to Invite. If you’re thinking about starting a new home game, you probably already have a set of friends that you think would make up a good crowd. Go for it. Have a ball. You’ll probably have amazing turn-out for that first game. The second game is a different story. The second game is when folks begin to realize that you’re the addict whereas they have actual lives, so you’ll need to cast your net a bit wider.

My only advice regarding potential player selection is to make sure they’ve played cards at some point. They don’t even need to know hand rankings… you can help with that… they just have to be comfortable in a poker game. There is no greater poker buzz kill than a clueless player who needs immense hand holding throughout the night. It slows the game down and frustrates everyone.

Anywhere from five to nine people makes for a good game. Less than five and you’re paying a lot of blinds and dealing with the same folks a lot… more than nine and you’re probably running out of table space.

Booze. Poker purists will suggest that drinking and poker don’t mix, but, people, we’re talking about a home game here. Of course we’re going to drink ourselves silly. Sure, there is money involved, but if your tables stakes are so high that you’re considering not drinking, well, your table stakes are too high. More on this shortly.

Accessories. You’re going to need some or all of the following before you begin.

- Cards. Two decks. Any brand will do. To keep the game moving along, I suggest one hand being used by the dealer and another to the left of the dealer which is pre-shuffled. Handy time saver.

- Button. This is usually some plastic doo-hickey which indicates who is currently the dealer. I use a box of Altoids. Most folks think this is a nice to have, but I think it’s a must have… especially in Hold’Em. The argument against the button is that, “We can remember who the dealer is.. we don’t need a button.” Three reasons to use a button:

1. A button reminds the small/big blinds to put their bets up.
2. A button reminds folk who is the dealer (duh).. while a simple visual cue, this becomes more of a big deal as the booze starts flowing.
3. The dealer button represents the strongest betting position at the table as they bet last… they get to see all the betting before they have to make a decision and that is a big deal. No matter where I’m sitting relative to the button, I use the dealer button to quickly assess what to do with my hand when it’s my turn to act. A glance at the button and I know whether I’m early or whether I’m late. I also use the button as a starting point for counting how many folks are in the pot.

- Chips. There’s a wide spectrum of quality when it comes to chips. Any kind will do, but I suggest a small investment in decent chips. Why? Solid, heavy clay chips are a) more fun to play with and b) make the game feel like poker. If you are going to purchase chips, getting ones with denominations printed on the chip can make for, first, an easier set-up experience, and, second, less “what are the black ones for?” questions early in the game.

- Bucket o’ change. At the end of the night, you’re going to have players with wildly varying winnings for the night. Invariably, everyone brings $20s, so making change can get tricky. I suggest getting $40 in singles and throwing them in a jar. This prevents the last guy changing out from getting screwed as all the change has vanished.

- Poker table. Green felt. This is truly a “nice to have” when setting up your game. Again, this will give your game a bit more professional feel, but don’t sweat this. Save your money and go buy decent chips.

- Poker cheat sheet. A simple list of what hand beats another. Rookies are going to need this. It will increase their comfort level by decreasing the chance they do something stupid and blowing their confidence.

PreGame Negotiations

Terrific. You’ve got seven good friends sitting at the table, beer in hand, and everyone is looking at you, the host, for the kick-off. If you haven’t done so via email, it’s time to set some ground rules:

- Buy-in. How much is everything throwing in? $20 seems like a comfortable amount for the games I play. It’s enough to give folks the impression they’ve got some skin in the game, but not enough to make them nervous. We always allow folks to rebuy in any amount of they get low.

-Stakes. Since we’re playing Hold’Em, we’ve got to set the blinds. This is probably the trickiest decision of the evening. You must find a healthy midpoint between a bet which means something, but is not too high as to artificially scare players out of every pot.

If you set your blinds too low, everyone is going to be in every pot and the more advanced players are going to bitch about how they can’t protect their hands. If you set the blinds too high, you’re going to give rookies the shakes, they’re not going to want to play. Eventually the booze and/or decent cards are going to show up and they are going to play only to end up with a huge financial beat-down from a more experienced player holding an obvious nut flush. Yuck.

After a bunch of games, our group has settled on $.25/$.50 blinds for the starting blinds. We’ve also simplified the blinds so that both the small and big blind is $.25. Halfway through the night, there is discussion on raising the blinds to $.50/$1.00… sometimes we change it. Sometimes we don’t.

- Chip split. Once you’ve got your buy-in and stakes determined, you can split your chips up. No magic here. You want to focus the chip denominations on the small blind bet, so for a $.25/$.50 game, you want roughly half of the player’s chips to be a quarter. A stack about half as high should be fifty… etc etc etc. It turns out that there are standard values assigned to Poker Chips. Go figure.

- Raises. For regular games, we restrict the betting to three raises unless there are only two players in which case it’s unlimited raises. I know no-limit is a thrill, but no-limit is a better game for later in the night or for groups of more advanced players. No-limit means someone is going to leave pissed and leave early.

- Dealer. In our games, the button indicates who is the dealer. This means that everyone at the table is going to deal and that’s a fair way to go. In general, this slows the game down because you have dealers of varying ability. Two alternatives that we’ve never consistently tried:

1. Single dealer. Make someone the dealer for the evening. If you pick someone competent, you can move your game along, but if the dealer starts to win they, will, invariably be accused of stacking the deck in their favor. Never fails.
2. Professional dealer. I’ve heard of home games that bring in professional dealers for the night. Seems like a good idea save for the cost. Anyone tried this?

Random Tips

- Calling hands. In games without a professional dealer, the player usually must call his/her own hand. This shouldn’t be a big deal except for the game with the rookie players. If a player thinks they’ve lost their straight to a flush when they’ve really got a full boat, the theory is they’ve got a straight… since that’s what they think they have. This is cheeseball. Home games are friendly games and if you’re penalizes rookies for lack of experience, well, maybe you shouldn’t be having home games.

- Misdeals. With shifting dealers, you’re going to have your share of misdeals. The most common being a random card flipped up. Quick tip: If a single card is exposed, the Vegas way to deal with this is to make it the burn card. Some groups just redeal. Your call. Again, don’t get tense about it… we’re talking home games.

- Pros. I’m guessing really good poker players are bored at home games. If you’re bringing in someone who is an amazing poker player, you probably want to have a pre-game chat about what they should expect out of your game. “It’s about having fun. Don’t be a prick.”

- If you’re winning, shut up. At some point during the night, you’re going to get some amazing cards which, hopefully, will translate into big fat pots. That adrenalin burst you’ll feel when you hit the nut flush on the turn is called rush. While you’re scooping up that pot built by your flush, trip aces, and two high pairs, you’re going to want to yammer like an idiot. Don’t. Bad poker etiquette especially since these folks are your friends… for now. Polite hand analysis is fine, but remember that trip aces is on tilt, the shock of losing a pretty good hand, and your hyper blithering might force him to pop you one.

- Pot splits. Calculating Side Pots. Real quick.

• If two players tie, you split the pot with whatever indivisible remainder going to the first winning player to the left of the button… or you can throw the extra into the next pot. Whatever works.
• If one player is “all in” meaning they have no more chips, the player can not win more than they’ve wagered themselves. Anything more than the maximum they can win is a side-pot for the players who still have cash and are in the hand.

- All-in Tournaments. At our home game, we tried a couple of tournaments late in the evening, but we’ve stopped doing this probably because of the hassle involved in changing out, redistribution chips, and finding some way to time rounds. The fact that a good portion of us are drunk doesn’t help.

I really like tournaments. I like no-limit a lot, so I’d like to figure out a way to regularly include them in home games. Maybe have regular game nights and tournament nights? Any ideas out there?

Post Game Report

At the end of the evening, I make sure to check-in with rookies on what they thought of the game. More often than not, rookies play a very conservative game which means they either are up or close to even. This is good news… it means they’ll come back.

My favorite comment from rookies in this state is when they say, “It’s all about luck, right?”

Riiiiight. You come back real soon, ya’hear?

My fascination with poker has little to do with the money. The money is essential, it gives the game it’s teeth, but it’s the players that give this game it’s depth. The players are the impossible variable that makes the understanding of how to play poker a lifelong endeavor.

p.s. If you’re in the Bay Area and you’ve got a regular game. Drop me a line, I’d be happy to lose my money to you.

Rands Vegas System 2.0

I’m working. Working hard. I’m finding co-workers sitting in their offices with their heads on their desks. If I didn’t know we were all going to blow a fuse, I’d ask, “Hey, what’s up?”, but I don’t. I know what’s up.

At times of max stress, you need an outlet. This weekend, I did some major rework of the Rands Vegas System mostly because I AM SO NOT IN VEGAS IT HURTS.

Most of the changes you won’t even notice because the whole rework started when I noticed I’d screwed up the formatting when I landed the new layout. Of course, the moment I started tinkering with the columns, I started rewriting… Vegas has changed… Vegas has embraced it’s origins… it’s Sin City and if you don’t know what that means, you should not read these columns.

Here’s what changed… if anything:

Prelude: As with most of my writing, I waited to the end to actually get to the point. The Prelude steals much from the final column to appropriate set the stage of the Rands Vegas System.

Preparation: After the first version of the Rands Vegas System, I wrote an Accessories column which has now been included in this section. Also, more funny.

Booze: Not much changed here. Learn how to binge drink responsible in Vegas. Next.

Gambling: Major changes to this section. I’ve been playing Texas Hold ‘Em incessantly for about six months and this column has been updated to reflect that current addiction. Note to self: More to say about Texas Hold ‘Em.

Girls Girls Girls: Again, not many changes here. If you’re skimming these columns and are adverse to seeing boobs, don’t read this entry. There are boobs.

Comps: I remain pathetic in the Vegas Comps Department. I’m still waiting for the Pit Boss to come over and comp me breakfast. It has yet to happen.

The Rands Vegas System is a read. It’s not a list of bullet items you can stuff in your wallet. My recommendation is that if you are not imminently going to Vegas that you should bookmark it. It’s best read with impending Vegas on the mind.

Back to work…

SIZING UP VEGAS (AUGUST 2002)

There are finite amount spectrums by which to judge a Vegas trip. They are:

- Money
- Gambling
- Girls Girls Girls
- Booze

These are a direct translation of the topics of preparation within the Rands Vegas System, but in order to judge how your Vegas experience went, I’ll ask the following questions:

MONEY. How much money did you take? Did you bring money back? How many times did you attend mass at the ATM? Did you wake up in the middle of the night worrying about cash? Did you borrow money from friends? At any point, did you calculate the number of days until your next direct deposit paycheck? Did you tell people you were up, but forget to calculate the loss associated with your plane flight and hotel room?

GAMBLING: (Note: Yes, this judge on a different scale than money) Did you gamble? Did you leave a casino “feeling up”? Did you make a bet that scared the shit out of you? Did you tell someone you were counting cards when you actually don’t know how? Did you roll the dice at craps? Did you play a game where you did not know the rules?

GIRLS GIRLS GIRLS: Did you go to a strip club? Did you let the taxi cab driver suggest a spot? Did you go by yourself? Did you get a dance? Did you want that dance? Did you buy a stripper a drink? Drinks? Did you stalk a stripper? Did you smoke with a stripper even though you don’t smoke? Where you ever on an hourly rate? (Versus a per dance rate) Did you get your stripper’s real name? Would you not shut up about your stripper the next day?

BOOZE: Did you drink? Did you keep track of the number of drinks? Did you drink before 9am after going to bed at 6am? Did you pay for a drink? Did you throw up? Did you throw up and continue drinking? Did you buy booze at liquor store to save money on gambling? Did you every have more than two drinks in front of you? Did you spill a drink while gambling? Do you have a drinking regimen? (ie: coffee drinks before noon, whiskey after midnight)

Once you’ve gone through these questions, you’re going to end up with an overall impression of each category. Those impressions are:

FUCKING AWESOME
PRETTY GOOD
GOOD
ALMOST PATHETIC
TRULY PATHETIC
NOT TALKING ABOUT IT

With this system in place, let’s take a look at my most recent trip:

MONEY: FUCKING AWESOME

I was up. Really up. As you’ll see below, the gambling wasn’t anything to write home about, but I had much cash upon returning from Vegas and that included air fare and hotel. This rarely happens.

GAMBLING: PRETTY GOOD

Most of the cash was a result of attending a hole in the wall casino on the Strip called O’Shea’s. This is not to say that my regular waterhole, the Barbery Coast, wasn’t rocking, I was actually making decent bank at a Pai Gow table, but the Boys wanted to travel.

O’Shea’s is just a few Vegas blocks north of Ballys. Like Barbery Coast, it has very cheap gambling even on Saturday night. They also serve their booze in largish plastic cups which gave me a sense of safety in a world of miniature breakable Vegas glasses. As I couldn’t find a Pai Gow table at O’Shea’s, I camped at a single deck Blackjack table with $75. Thirty minutes later, I stood up with $300 and a full screwdriver. Can’t complain.

This was immediately followed up by a moderately good roll at a $5 craps table where I changed another $100 into $250. I walked out of O’Shea’s with a cigarette, a serious buzz, and four hundred bucks I hadn’t started with. This certainly puts O’Shea’s on the A list for affordable gambling spots on the strip.

You might wonder why this section is not ranked as FUCKING AWESOME. This is simple: FUCKING AWESOME is reserved for when you are UP FUCKING BANK. This is the unachievable state of simply not being able to lose during a Vegas weekend. This is hitting a single number on roulette on your way out of the hotel after already fleecing the City of Sin for Fifty Large.

BOOZE: GOOD

I’ve got a pretty solid regimen for drinking in Vegas. It’s called Vodka. I rarely drinking anything but. This makes for predictable drunkenness which given ALL THAT PUKING IN THE 90s is a good thing.

The reason the drinking was marginal is that I never got truly stupid. You know, that yelling, punching, running up and pinching the nipples of marble statues kind’a drunk that only comes after nineteen hours of heavy drinking. I missed that. Not sure why.

GIRLS GIRLS GIRLS: NOT TALKING ABOUT IT

I had my eye set on a stripper that I had a wondrous time during my last trip. She was there the first night we set foot in Olympic Gardens. Hugs were exchanged, she climbed in my lap, and sat there for four hours. That didn’t suck.

What did suck was that she was under the impression she was on an hourly rate. Meanwhile, I was counting dances. When we found the end of the evening, there was a large discrepancy between what I was willing to pay and what she was expecting. RANDS TIP: DON’T EVER ARGUE WITH STRIPPERS. They’re backed up by guys in tuxedos who roll tourists for fun.

While I was not rolled, it was abundantly clear that I was on the losing side of the argument regardless of strength of my facts. Fortunately, I was up and drunk, so coughing up four hundred didn’t hurt that much until the following morning.

THE LESSON: If some gorgeous lady is sitting in your lap in a strip club and isn’t dancing much, you’re still paying.

It takes several days of being home to size up a Vegas trip. This due to the fact that once you’ve arrived in Vegas, you’re no longer yourself. You’re drunk, lacking in sleep, eating horribly, being fiscally irresponsible, and demeaning women. The last person you should trust for an opinion is yourself.

Forty eight hours of sobriety shows you the truth about any trip. As was the case in this one, my hatred for money grubbing strippers has lessened and all the money I was up is already gone. Sounds about right.

VEGAS REDUX

Emma reminded me that I am, in fact, headed to Vegas this weekend with the following article regarding MIT playing tagteam blackjack to win big bucks.

In honor of this trip, I’ve added an essential planning tip to our GIRLS GIRLS GIRLS section of the Rands Vegas System. This tip answers the question, “Hey, everyone passed out. Should I go to a strip club by myself?”

Rands Vegas System -- Player's Cards, Comps, and Goodbye

I’m looking forward to being done with this series of columns because I would really like to actually talk about OTHER CRAP than Las Vegas, but I feel compelled to complete this before I start other blithering.

Several questions have come up during the course of this series publication. Usually, I’ve gone back to the relevant column and augmented with new sections. For example, are you wondering about how much money to take to a strip club? There’s a new cash management section added the Girls Girls Girls column.

Player’s Card / Comps

One topic which didn’t have an obvious answer was the question of "Player’s Cards." These little plastic cards have some of the same mojo around them as the High Roller areas. I’M JUST SOME TWIT SO I WILL QUIETLY PASS THESE AREAS LEST THEY DETECT I’M A TOTAL LOSER.

This perception is partially correct. First off, and most importantly, player’s cards are just another scam to get you to sit at a table and blow more cash. The idea being that the more you bet, the more "stuff" you could be potentially be compensated (or "comped"). Comps can vary from free food, hotel rooms, rides to/from the airport, basically anything which gets you to stay in the casino where there is likelihood that you’ll blow more cash.

Player’s card acquisition can be simple. As is the case in Ballys, there’s a table directly across from the hotel check-in which will provide you with a card. You fill out a simple form and they print you this fancy credit card-looking thing which gives you the impression “I’m a professional gambler” and that is exactly what they want you to think.

I do not recommend acquiring a player’s card in this manner. The best way is to get one is to be offered it. I’ll explain.

Let’s say you’ve got your Monte Carlo players’ card and you sit down at a $5 blackjack table. As soon as you sit down, you throw $100 up along with your card. The dealer hands the card to the pit boss and he/she starts tracking you. Tracking basically means they’re paying attention to how much money you’re betting/winning/losing. Once they start tracking you, they’ll probably hand you your card back and that’ll be it.

It’s a testimony to the surreptitious efficiency of Vegas in how aware they are of your betting. Unlike slots which mechanically track your betting, table games are tracked by the pit boss occasionally walking by and looking at your stack of chips. You will not notice, but, don’t worry, they know. After a particularly expensive weekend, several of us went into the players’ lounge to see what they could do for us. As they ran each of our cards, it became terrifyingly apparent that they had a better idea how much we’d lost than we did. “I’m only down $2000, but they say it’s $2500, dipshits.” But Rands, you forgot that craps table beating you took to the tune of $400. Oh. Shit.

The reason you want to be offered these cards is because the type of betting you’re likely to do is not going to be significant enough to qualify for comps. For example, at a Pai Gow table in the Monte Carlo, you need to be betting a minimum of $25 a hand. If that happens to be what you bet on average, the good news is that the pit boss will likely come over and offer you a player’s card. This is not because they want to give you free crap, it’s because they want to potentially cover any losses they have if you get lucky and walk away with $5000. A player’s card is designed to keep you the building and, if you’re in the building, chances are you’re going to lose money.

There are two ways to acquire comps if you feel you’re due. One way is trivial. If you’re up big bucks at a table, the pit boss is going to come over and offer them to you. “Mr. Rands, would you like to have dinner on us?” Anyone who has bothered to read the RANDS VEGAS SYSTEM columns should be hearing, “Dear PersonWhoHasOurMoney, would you like to stay in our casino so we can figure out a way to get our money back?”

The other way to garner comps is to go to the player’s lounge and ask. This is usually a good idea if you’re down significant cabbage and are trying to recoup costs. Obviously, the house is not motivated to do this because they’re up when it comes to you being down, but if you made a significant deposit, they will recognize that. During one outing, the Monte Carlo comped us not only our hotel rooms for the entire weekend, but also an outrageously expensive Italian dinner where we had our way with the wine list. This would be a great story save for the fact that, collectively, the group was down over $20,000 for the weekend. Comps. Yeah. Right.

This analysis of player’s cards is not fully baked. Most of my experience has been at moderate to high end casinos where the minimum bets to get a player’s club card were uncomfortably high. During the most recent trip, we discovered the moderately priced Barbary Coast also had player’s cards. If betting rates are a function of the average table bet (which, in the case of Barbary Coast are significantly lower), there may be affordable comps to be had.

If you’ve got an amazing comp/player’s card story, I’d like to hear it.

AND GOODBYE

The money doesn’t matter.

A majority of the feedback I’ve received regarding the RANDS VEGAS SYSTEM
has focused on the money. How much is this? What should I bring to that? I understand that you’re trying to budget appropriately, but you’ve missed the primary point of these columns.

I’ve been going to Vegas for over ten years and, in that time, I’ve probably been to Vegas twenty or thirty times. I’ve gone with fifty bucks in my pocket and I’ve gone with $5000. Invariably, the quality of time that I’ve spent there has never been a function of how much cash I have at my disposal.

The RANDS VEGAS SYSTEM is about optimizing opportunity. Putting yourself in the right place at the right time with the right tools because who knows when you’re going to get lucky?

Rands Vegas System -- GIRLS GIRLS GIRLS

The past three columns of the RANDS VEGAS SYSTEM have been designed for most moderately aged persons who are looking to stretch their Vegas dollar. The Girls Girls Girls column is targeted for a fairly specific type of person. If you aren’t this type of person, it’s likely this column will piss you off.

A good qualification question on where you lie relative to this ‘ideal reader’ would be, “Are you expecting to get laid for free in Vegas?” If your answer is anywhere close to “Yes”, then stop reading right now. There is no way in the world that you are going to end up going home with a Stripper without paying for it. And, trust me, you don’t want to.

The ‘ideal reader’ of this column has some combination of following qualifications:

• Has never been to a strip club ever
• Likes going to strip clubs, but wonders what the big deal is
• Enjoys getting the occasional dance for free o Has as much fun talking and drinking with Strippers, as getting dances from them

If you’re still wondering whether or not this column is for you, I will simplify with a single question, “Do you enjoy having a babe on your arm?” Yes? Good, read on.

Timing

As with all activities in Vegas, there is a time and place for everything. If this is your first strip club experience or you’re looking to find a new favorite spot, you want to get the odds on your side and by odds I do mean a TREMENDOUS AMOUNT OF DECENT LOOKING BABES. Strip clubs are in full force on Friday and Saturday night. These are the nights when Strippers from across the nation travel into Vegas to earn $3,000 a night for giving you the impression that they care.

This is not to say that other nights of the week don’t have potential, I happen to be a big fan of the Sunday night strip club action, but when you’re looking for a slithering mass of perfume and glitter, Friday and Saturday are your nights.

Time of night is of equal importance. If you’re planning a Friday/Saturday jaunt, a good rule of thumb is to arrive around 10pm. This is early in Vegas terms, but has two important benefits. First, you’ll likely get to pick your own table. As we’ll see below, this is essential for babe identification and acquisition. Second, while every Joe and Bob from San Jose to Brooklyn is out losing his shirt at the Craps table, you’re on your second vodka tonic staring at babes who, with every sip, are just getting hotter.

Cash Management

This is the situation you must avoid in a Las Vegas strip club. It’s 3am and you’re fully wasted. You’ve already blown all your folding money, but are too drunk to walk let, let alone operate, the ATM. The bad news is that you’re $200 in the hole to Alice Big Tits and she’s realized that you, the sloppy drunk, are going to need to carried to the ATM whereupon you ARE GOING TO TELL HER YOUR PIN NUMBER so you can get the cash out to pay her. This is wrong is so many ways.

Proper cash management sets the stage for a tremendous strip club experience. Knowing how much money you are planning to spend gives you the perfect reason to leave when 4am rolls around and you’ve fallen in love. SORRY SUZY I’M BROKE, SOBERING UP, AND YOU’RE GETTING UGLY.

The basic unit of currency is a twenty dollar bill. It represents one dance or about three decent drinks. I plan for the long haul on club nights which translates to anywhere from five to ten hours with the occasional twelve hour stint. As we’ll see below, all of this time is not consumed by getting dances; in fact, I often spend many hours doing nothing but steady drinking and staring. This makes it difficult to recommend a standard bank roll for an evening, but $300 feels like a good round number. This roughly translates into ten dances, plenty of booze, and a cover charge.

Strip Club Selection

I’m going to show a painful bias with this section. I only go to Olympic Gardens (“OGs”). It’s been that way for years and I’ll partially explain why.

I believe there are two types of clubs in Vegas. Partially nude and fully nude. Other than obvious difference, there is also the question of alcohol. Because of some dumb prick, the fully nude clubs do not allow alcohol. You could get around this several years ago by just stuffing your booze in a grocery bag and walking in… they wouldn’t even look, but someone got tense about this loophole and now you must smuggle your booze in either in flasks or simply get loaded beforehand.

I’m not a fan of either. I’m hanging in a club to relax. Running off to the bathroom to pour vodka in my Sprite is neither dignified nor hygienic. Drinking beforehand clouds your judgment when you arrive which means Alice the MegaWhore will fleece you of sixty dollars before you realize that she’s ugly and dumb. Finally, my average strip club stay is anywhere from four to ten hours which means if I’m not constantly administering booze, then I’M SOBERING UP LORD GOD I’M PAYING FOR THIS LADY TO GRIND MY FACE INTO THE COUCH.

Partially nude clubs have full bars. Yes, the drinks are outrageously expensive, but you didn’t come here to save money, in fact, you came here to lose your money without the slightest hope of being able to win it back. Chill out. Open a tab, you’ll be here awhile.

OGs is a partially nude club. This means that the Strippers will never take off the bottom portion of what they’re wearing. If this is a really big deal to you, please stop reading this column. You are clearly from Tennessee where staring at bush is the popular pastime and you’re unlikely to get much from this column. If you’re still reading, don’t worry about those bikinis, boys… they’re just another easily handled speed bump on the way to FALLING IN LOVE WITH YOUR FAVORITE STRIPPER. Keep reading.

I realize I have not fully justified OGs. The only real way to do that would be to experience it, but I do have tangential evidence which demonstrates that OGs is simply the only place to go.

Taxi drivers have much power in Vegas. If you’re clueless, you’re likely to ask your cab driver where to go. Club owners know you’re going to do this and often offer taxis a kickback equal to the cover charges you’ll pay to get in the door. In past years, every taxi cab driver I’ve asked has ripped on OGs and recommended another place. THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH REALITY, they’re paid to recommend strip clubs. In fact, it’s a backwards compliment for OGs because OGs knows they’ve got the best girls in town and are letting honest word of mouth, rather than taxi cab drivers, drive their business.

If you’re looking to go somewhere else, I really can’t help… this column isn’t about where to go, it’s about what to do when you get there. I’ve heard that Cheetah’s and the Spearmint Rhino are nice, but who knows.

Team Sports

This section is going to be obvious to folks who have never been to a strip club because they’re going to nervous about seeing a room full of naked women. Their natural reaction is to bring six of their closest friends so they can say, “Dude, she’s, like, totally naked.” This takes care of the initial nervousness; the booze takes care of the rest.

Strip clubs excursions are a team sport and there are two teams. One team is you and your buddies. Your team goal is to, first, make sure that everyone on the team enjoys themselves and, second, to remember that they enjoyed themselves. Fortunately for your team, the other team (i.e.: the room full of Strippers) mostly share your goals of have a good, memorable time, but they’re also on the clock. More on this later.

Bringing friends, again, should seem natural to folks who have never been to a strip club. Of course you are going to bring your buddies. Then, you’re going to have an amazing night. You’re going to pay some chick named Jazz $400 to sit on your lap all night simply because you’ve got a thing for that zebra print bikini she’s wearing. While she’s there, you’re going to stare deeply into her eyes and forget your friends are even in the same state. When she’s gone, you’re going to high five every friend at the table and buy a round of drinks ON YOU BECAUSE, JESUS CHRIST, YOU ARE THE MAN.

The next morning, you’ll still smell like stripper. You’ll want to return, but, maybe the other pals didn’t have such a good time. They want to gamble. You are going to consider going by yourself to the strip club.

Don’t.

Remember what your team goals are. First, have a good time. Second, remember that you had a good time. Believe it or not, these goals are intimately tied together. How much fun you have will be directly correlated to how many people remember it. Confused? Think of it like this, how much better are you going to tell the story of the time when the stunning brunette Stripper came to the table, hung out all night, bought the table drinks, and didn’t charge anyone a dime if YOU WERE ACTUALLY THERE.

You need a witness for your fun or else it’s just mental masturbation.

Table Selection

Ok, so it’s 10:15pm and you and your gang just rolled into OGs on a Friday night. You are about to make the biggest irreversible decision of the night… where to sit. At OGs, there are two main rooms; we’ll call them the MAIN ROOM and the BACK ROOM. The back room is usually empty except for Fridays and Saturdays, but it’s a Friday so you bolt for the back room. Here’s why:

• Ambiance. The front room is a fucking mob scene when midnight rolls around. The back room is, as well, but to a lesser extent.
• Proximity to the dressing room. As we’ll discover below, you’re going to spend some time selecting your Stripper(s) and the back room is where Strippers go to and fro. You’ll also get the added benefit of potentially seeing your Stripper in street clothes which can either be magical or nauseating.
• Couches and tables. The back room has a lot of defensive furniture, namely couches and tables. Shortly, you’ll understand how to use these to avoid the constant barrage of ho-like Strippers who ask you if you’d like a dance. The back room at OGs is backed with couches on both sides of the room with a vast array of tables in the middle.

NOTE TO GENTLEMEN SPORTING DOLLAR BILLS: All strip club newbies are going to make their first move sauntering up to the stages with the naked chicks. They’re going to sit there with twenty dollars in singles and they’re going to think they’ve “arrived”. All strip club rookies need to go through this phase because, face it, during most of our normal lives we aren’t offered the opportunity of paying women for affection… receiving affection involves laborious listening, gifting and life long commitment and PEOPLE WE’RE NOT LOOKING FOR MISS RIGHT WE’RE LOOKING FOR MISS RIGHT NOW. If you need to stretch your strip club wings at the stage dances, fine, but if it’s all you’re doing, you’re seriously missing out.

NOTE TO VIP ROOM ENTHUSIASTS: Most establishments have the equivalent of a VIP room which is billed as a place where you pay more to be able to “do” more. I’ve never been in a VIP room primarily because I’m having too much fun out front in the Sea of Babes. If you’ve been to a VIP room and want to brag, I’d love to hear about it.

“The Pocket”

The moment your group has decided on a location, you need to make another move, you need to head straight to the pocket. The pocket is any location on a couch or table where you have one or more buddies (I call them ‘stooges’) on either side of you preferably with your back to either a wall or a difficult to travel portion of the room.

The pocket is essential because it removes the single largest annoyance of the evening, the constant flow of Strippers asking if you’d like a dance. The problem with the first ten minutes that you’re sitting at your table is that you are, invariably, nervous and likely to say ‘yes’ to a mediocre Stripper. You need, at least, a half hour to size up the room and pound a few gin and tonics before you have a remote chance of finding Miss Right Now. The pocket gives you this opportunity.

First timers are great stooges as they will be so distracted by the first naked chick writhing on the stage that they won’t realize they’re sitting in a vulnerable position. Strip club regulars are harder to dupe, but in larger groups even they forget because, hey, suddenly there are tits every which way.

Miss Right Now, Timing

Let’s recap. It’s 10:30pm now, you’ve finished your first drink, and you’re comfortable sitting in the pocket watching the stooges get harassed by every Stripper who happens to walk by. Your job continues to be “Stripper Assessment”. This is a process whereby you’re figuring out what exactly is going to float your boat this evening. Are you into goth chicks tonight? How about surf babes? Or maybe it’s just hair color. Are blondes looking tasty? Wait, strike that, PLATINUM BLONDES OH YEAH NOW WE’RE TALKING.

The point is, it’s highly likely that whatever your twisted little mind is into at that particular moment, OGs has in quantity. There is never ever a need to settle on anything less than what you desire.

For me, this process can take hours and usually more than three drinks. This is important to repeat: identification of the perfect babe can take many hours. For those of you chomping at the bit to get freaky with a Stripper, this might seem like an eternity, but what would you rather have, three dancers from random mediocre Strippers or ten dances from a Stripper who you are predisposed to believe is the NEXT MRS. YOU.

The beautiful thing about this process is that it will be painfully obvious to you when you identify the perfect Stripper. You’ll be sitting back in your chair, five drinks in, partially depressed that everyone else appears to be having a ball when WHAM HEY THERE’S THAT STRIPPER WHOSE GOT THAT MICHELLE PFEIFFER THING GOING ON HEY OUT OF MY WAY STOOGE.

These are the moments you are searching for and they are few and far between. They are a delicate balance of significant drunkenness and remarkable psychic lucidity combined with the unnatural opportunity to have what you what when you want it. Life rarely offers you this, so jump when you see it.

“The Happy Place”

You’re there. Jessica the Stripper saw you leap up from the pocket to get her attention. You’re thinking love at first sight and she’s thinking you’re an easy $500. This contrast, which you won’t remember at the time, is important to remember. Strippers are there to make a living; you are there to have the time of your life. With careful maneuvering, there is a middle ground you can discover where you can both momentarily forget this.

As with casino waitresses, you are going to get better service if you strive to make some connection with the Stripper. This involves talking and thanks to those five gin and tonics you had, you’re pretty chatty. Good. Chat away, find out about your Stripper. Ask her questions. She wants to be a veterinarian? Really, what does that involve? She’s a legal assistant? Wow. Tell me more, I HAVE NEVER CARED MORE ABOUT A LEGAL ASSISTANTS’ RESPONSIBILITES THAN I DO RIGHT NOW.

The point is to find some common ground so that you can briefly forget that you are a paying customer and she is a Stripper. Unless you’ve already drunk yourself senseless, you’ll be able to discern in the first few minutes whether or not your Stripper is as dumb as a sack of hammers. If she is and you care, get your single dance, thank her very much for time, and return to target acquisition mode.

If you do find the blessed common ground, then you’ve made it. She’s going to relax, you’re going to relax. You’ll buy her drink or ten, she’ll occasionally take her top off and crawl all over you, and it’s simply the best. We like to call this “The Happy Place”.

The Happy Place is the primary reason I constantly return to OGs. In all my recent adventures there, I have always found some way into my Happy Place. For four trips in a row, it was a blonde goddess named Trussy who drank like a fish with me for six hours. On the most recent trip, I found Jessica after three hours of searching. She was a stunning brunette who teaches yoga in her spare time. We hit it off in record time and, by the end of evening, she had dragged me to a private couch where the last dances were free… and painfully memorable.

NOTE TO THOSE WHO FALL IN LOVE: During this blissful period, don’t think for a second that your Stripper isn’t counting each and every dance that she’s giving you. When she’s determined that she’s going to be here awhile, she may stop asking you whether “you’d like another dance”, but she’s tallying up $20 for each and every song. She doesn’t lose count, neither should you.

Worst Strip Club… Ever

You’re going to blow it at some point. Either you’re not going to take my advice about OGs and go some place else or maybe you’re terribly unlucky and OGs is just not sporting your Miss Right Now. However you blew it, you’re sitting in the pocket on your fifth jack and coke and third hour of boredom. This sucks.

As a last ditch effort, I highly recommend leaving… or at least looking like you’re ready to leave. Getting out of a strip can take some time because, chances are, not everyone in your group is as big a loser as you that evening. While you’re sitting there shuffling around in your seat, checking your watch, and staring at the door, you’re giving your brain a chance to reset and, more often than not, Miss Right Now just shows up.

If this seems kooky to you, remember that you’re the guy have a crappy time and, worst case, this last ditch effort is going to get you out the door and back to other Vegas indulgences.

Exit Strategies

Regardless of how much fun you’re having, at some point, it’s going to be time to leave. Perhaps you’re out of money, perhaps you’ve been there ten hours and it’s time to sleep. Whatever the case may be, it’s time to leave. If you’ve succeeded in finding your Happy Place then it’s likely you’re entertaining thoughts of your Stripper outside of the club. While this is entertaining mental masturbation, it’s time to face some the facts.

As with most activities which involve fun in Vegas, this was a business transaction. You were paying money to have this gorgeous thing sit on you.

It’s a dark room, you’re drunk, and she’s a Stripper. In a room with regularlighting when you’re sober, she’s still a Stripper. My advice is have a great time while you’re there, know when to get out, and think fondly of the experience when you’ve left.

Next up: Player’s Cards and Comps…

Rands Vegas System -- GAMBLING

Vegas is a marketing machine and its single biggest asset is you - the hopeful winner. You are a person who believes that they are going to beat the house because, golly, you heard about this fella who put $20 in a slot machine and took out $5000.

Of course you’re hopeful.

Of course those stories have made their way to you. Who the hell would want or care to hear about the other 99.95% of who took $500 and lost it all on the first night? We’re losers… and you are a big winner.

Of course you’re not.

Even if you happen to get on the plane with leftover benjamins and you’ve convinced yourself that these precious dollars are your winnings, you’ve only repressed the debt you’re in from the plane flight, hotel… and, oh yeah, those two late night walks of shame to the ATM which cost you $200 a pop.

Sorry for the buzz kill, but it’s important to maintain a healthy attitude about the reality distortion field which surrounds Vegas. Why are you going? To get rich? Hah. No. You are going to hang with friends… get a little crazy on hooch… and create your own reality distortion field regarding your finances “Feeling Up”.

Feeling Up and actually Being Up for a Vegas trip are two vastly different scenarios. Being Up is actually having more money in your wallet than you had before you stepped on the plane to Vegas AND also covering your hotel and plane flight. It rarely happens to me.

Feeling Up is blissfully free of such requirements. Feeling Up can be one of many delusions… Do you have more money in your wallet than when you started in this particular casino? Are you up for the day? Are you just so drunk that you forgot about that beating you took at craps? Who the hell cares? Feeling Up gives you the brief impression that you are the BIG WINNER.

This column will give you some tips and tricks on how to Feel Up in Vegas. This column will not discuss odds of individual games nor give you any type of gambling strategy that is guaranteed to win you big bucks. You will bleed money in Vegas and this column will help you control that bleeding.

The first thing you must remember is that Vegas is designed; from the second you walk off the plane, to liberate you of your money. Don’t try to over think this. Vegas is smarter than you and Vegas is a predator. The sooner you acknowledge this, the happier you will be.

To avoid the predator, you’ll need to do some fairly childish things in order to keep from being eaten alive:

1) Never ever leave the hotel room with all your money. While it might seem convenient, it is simply stupid. You + a lot of money + booze + gambling + lack of sleep = losing combination. It doesn’t take much of a fuck-up to be down $500 at craps table by 4am with no clue that you’ve blown your wad. The simple act of tucking $300 in your underwear drawer assures you that must physically get away from the casino in order to continue gambling and there is nothing more sobering than stumbling down a long hotel hallway with an empty wallet.

For an average night using the Rands Vegas Systen, I recommend $200 a night given a $500 budget over two nights. This does not mean you’re done when you’ve blown this money; this simply gives you a gambling check point where you can assess whether you’re are either spinning out of control or just having a great time.

2) Leave your credit cards at home. Do not go into debt in Vegas. This is tremendously stupid unless you’re using them to collect miles and planning on paying them off immediately upon returning home. If you’re considering using a credit card to finance your trip then you clearly are not ready for a trip. Vegas is the home for your disposable income, not your food money.

3) Keep track of where you’re at. If your goal is have enough money to be gambling the entire vacation, then you’ll need to stay aware of where you’re at relative to your budget. This does not mean count your pocket change after every hand of Blackjack; it just means stay cognizant of your money situation. I usually reassess during the frequent casino crawls.

4) Know your ATM cycles. If you’re not a fan of leaving money back in the room, why not just leave it in the ATM? It’s safe and has the built in safeguard of a daily limit. This is particularly useful for you impulsive types who are incapable of staying within a budget.

Remember, MIDNIGHT MEANS MORE MONEY. Your bank resets the daily limit at midnight, so, in a pinch, if you have a daily limit of $300, you have reasonably easy access to $600 at midnight unless, of course, you already tried this trick the prior night and forgot in the drunken haze that is Las Vegas.

5) Play games that fleece you at a reasonable rate. This is really the most important rule to remember in Vegas and, thusly, I’ll talk the most about it. For all games in Vegas, the rules are set such that the house is going to win. Yes, there are those who get lucky and beat the odds, and WON’T SHUT UP ABOUT IT. Convienently, these are the same people who come back EVEN MORE OFTEN after they won $10,000 and proceed to dump it all WITH INTEREST. Vegas doesn’t work if the casinos don’t win. Remember that.

So, you are going to lose, the key is how do you lose? Do you throw you the money on BLACK on the roulette table and pray? No, you spread it out.

The following is a prioritized list of games that I play. The loose criteria I’ve used to prioritize are:

• Low fleece rate (Translation: As much gambling with as little loss as possible… this also has the added benefit of getting you more booze per dollar played)
• Easy to learn (Translation: You can play it drunk)
• Fun to play (Translation: Not Keno)

#1 POKER — TEXAS HOLD ‘EM

Poker used to scare the hell out of me. I’d walk by poker rooms at my favorite casinos and see grizzled old men snapping at each other. Sure, I’d play poker with pals for nickles and dimes, but Vegas was “big time” and I was “scared shitless”.

The recent Texas Hold ‘Em craze changed all that. After many hours of online play, I recently ventured into my first poker room at the Flamingo and, thusly, Poker immediately moved to the top the list.

Hold ‘Em is, by far, the most complex game to play on this list. This would appear to contradict my three prioritization criteria, but it doesn’t… Yes, it’s a tough game to master, but with minimal skill you can a) not lose money that fast and b) have a helluva lot of fun.

My suggestion if you’re considering a Poker move is to first play a bunch online… get a feel for the basic rules. Take that rudimentary knowledge to a 2/4 Hold ‘Em table at one of the less well known casinos (Flamingo or Monte Carlo) and give it a whirl.

Other than the required beatings you’ll take the first few times you play, the other downside of Poker is the waiting and the lack of “buddy hangout time”. Unlike every other game in Vegas, there is usually a waiting line in poker rooms. This means there’s no guarantee that you’ll be playing anywhere near your Vegas buddies and that kind’a blows.

(Best table: 2/4 Limit Hold ‘Em)

#2 PAI GOW POKER

Pai Gow is the hidden gambling gem in Las Vegas. If you’ve been to casinos before, you’ve seen Pai Gow and walked right by these tables because the name Pai Gow means nothing to you. That’s ok, because one of the beautiful aspects of Pai Gow is that the tables aren’t that crowded, even at 11pm on a Friday night.

Pai Gow is a dumbed-down version of poker. It’s a single deck game where everyone is dealt seven cards. From those seven cards, you need to make two hands according to poker rules, one with two cards, and one with five cards where the five card hand is HIGHER (again, according to poker rules) than the two card hand. Confused, yet? No big deal, once you’ve read the rest of this section, you’ll be significantly incented to stand behind someone and watch them play. When you finally get the nerve to sit down at a table, the dealer, who must play their hand according to house rules, will be more than happy to help you with your hand, simply show them your cards.

In order to win, both of your hands must beat both of the dealers’ hands. If only one beats the dealer, it’s a push. If BOTH lose to the dealer, you lose your bet. The end result is the single most attractive aspect of the game: there is a lot of pushing which means you’re not losing money, you’re gambling, and you’re getting free drinks. Related to the pushing is the fact that Pai Gow is a single deck game where they shuffle between each hand. Shuffling takes time and this is time when you’re not losing money and possibly getting more booze.

We love Pai Gow.

Another benefit of Pai Gow is the low twit factor. As the game appears foreign and confusing, most folks are apt to avoid it. This means the average IQ of Pai Gow players is slightly higher than the Joe Blow Kentucky over at the Blackjack tables that has a lot of fun splitting 10s.

The combination of all of these aspects means that you can sit down at $5 Pai Gow table with $50 bucks and essentially stay there all night. If you’ve got buddies in tow, you can own a table, drink, and gamble all night… for $50. That’s sweet and that’s cheap.

(Best table: $5 mininum)

PUKE ON YOUR SHOES NOTE #3: Any and all of these games will eat you alive if you choose to play them whilst significantly drunk. If you’re really hammered, go back to your room. You’ll look like a fucking idiot when you spill your booze on the table.

#3 SPORTS BOOK

The mysticism that surrounds the Sports Book is significant. What are all those people doing in that big dark room full of massive televisions? Probably, they’re betting on horse races and chain smoking. Sounds like fun.

Explaining horse betting is beyond the scope of this column, but suffice to say, I’d recommend finding someone who has gone to the track a few times. He/She will be able to explain the difference between an exacta and a trifecta. If you don’t have access to one of these people, I’d avoid the Sports Book unless you’re in post-tough-night-hangover phase where watching round ball floats your boat.

Like Keno (see below), betting on the ponies is nice and slow. There is no flurry of betting craziness that will suddenly relieve you have two hundred bucks in three minutes. Plus, depending on the casino, if you’ve got an active betting slip sitting on the table, then you’ll qualify for free booze. Hell, sometimes they’ll comp you booze even with an old slip. We’ve had particular success with this at Monte Carlo, but the MGM was a total screw me.

#4 VIDEO POKER

Just a step ahead of slot machines, video poker is best played at a bar where they’ll kick back a quick drink when you slide $10 into a quarter machine. Unlike the slots, there is some strategy to be had at video poker, but it’s still just a means to fill the time between serious Pai Gow sessions.

(Best game: $.25 w/ maximum bet of $1.00)

#5 ROULETTE

Roulette is totally mindless and there is no strategy to be had, but sometimes it’s that level of non-commitment that you need in order to relax in Vegas.

The only fact you need to be aware of regarding Roulette is what the minimum bet is per spin. Don’t get jumpy when you buy-in at that $.50 table for $20. Sure, you’ll be grinning when they slide that immense pile of colored chips over… but you didn’t see that the minimum bet was $5.00… did you? Yeah. Don’t get too attached to those tall stacks.

The odds at Roulette are horrible because it is so easy to play. You will lose money, but it’s a moderately slow game and it’s fun to bet on your birthday, your girlfriends birthday, and other random numbers. Have a ball; don’t stay for more than $20.

(Best table: $.50 chips with $1 minimum bet)

NOTE TO WHEEL OF FORTUNE ENTHUSIASTS: I’m not going to talk about Wheel of Fortune here because it’s essentially the white trash version of Roulette, and I hear the odds are even worse. Don’t play it. People will laugh at you.

#6 SLOTS

For me, slots are basically the place where my spare change goes to die. Whenever you are walking from HERE to THERE, you’re likely to encounter slot machines and the best way to deal with them is just throw in the occasionally dollar and see what happens.

I realize that the lack of an intimidating dealer is attractive to folks who are just getting started in Vegas, but slots are dull, inane, and even if you win, it just means you’ve got a massive bucket of quarters to lug around the casino.

GET OVER IT — SLOTS ARE FOR FUCKING TWEAKERS. IT’S A GAME WHERE THE ONLY STRATEGY YOU USE IS THE QUESTION ‘SHOULD I STOP NOW?’

The sooner you get over your fear of dealers, the sooner you’ll improve those shaky social skills and enjoy life in Vegas more.

(Best slot: $.25)

NOTE TO DOLLAR SLOT ENTHUSIASTS: There is this magical line folks like to try to draw between quarter slots and dollar slots. The idea being that the fact you are betting more somehow makes slots more interesting. Wrong. Same dumb game. Same losing ways. Let’s move on…

#7 BLACKJACK / #8 CRAPS

The last two games on the list are an odd pair because they are two of my favorite games. The reason they’re sitting here at the bottom of the list is because they have such money sucking potential.

Both games are fast. Meaning that whatever bet is sitting on the table has the potential of vanishing in an instant. This effect immediately destroys any benefit of sitting down at a low minimum table.

Yes, you can win at both of these games and, yes, there are strategies which do improve your odds, but the fact of the matter is the games move so fast that you’ve got to stay very aware of what the hell is going on in order to keep that advantage. Problem is, they’re serving you booze which means that you’re unlikely to keep your wits about you and THUS BEGIN THE BEATINGS. DOLLAR ON THE HARDWAYS — DOLLAR FOR THE DEALERS! SURE! I’D LOVE TO DOUBLE DOWN!

What keeps both of these games interesting is the fact that you can have lengthy betting stints with them… As long as you’re not a fool, it is possible to sit at a Blackjack or Craps table for many hours and that is the gambling experience you’re looking for. In fact, compelling experiences at Blackjack and Craps table served as the model for the proper way to gamble in Vegas, which lead to our discovery of Pai Gow.

(Best table: Blackjack, $5.00 minimum, Craps, $1.00 minimum w/ 100x odds)

#9 KENO

Ok, Keno rates high in the low fleece and easy to learn categories, but it misses the mark completely in the fun to play area. Keno is essentially lotto. You pick a set of numbers on a little sheet of paper and hope and pray that they hit. They almost never do, but you get the illusion of gambling and it’s something like fifteen minutes between rounds. (read: booze)

I mostly play Keno while eating within a casino. You’ll see Keno boards all over the place (including restaurants) and runners wander about between games collecting your bets… they’re easy to pick out… they’re the waitresses that look like strippers. There is also a Keno pit somewhere in the casino where, I’m assuming, you can sit and play and get free booze, but it’s only slightly more interesting than watching grass grow.

#10 BACCARAT

I did a bit of research on Baccarat before I started this column and it appears to share some of the winning characteristics with Pai Gow… but with less thinking… which is hard to imagine.

Looking at how I’ve prioritized the games in Vegas, you can quickly discern where I head when I walk in a casino… straight to the Pai Gow table. The rate at which Pai Gow fleeces me is low, I never spin badly out of control like at Craps table.

Your job in Vegas is to find the set of games that keep you under the illusion of a steady state of Feeling Up. A place where you can easily be losing money, but are within a reality distortion field which keeps you content. Good luck.

… And if you win big bucks, I don’t want to hear about it.

Next up, my favorite column, Girls Girls Girls.

Rands Vegas System -- BOOZE

You’ve been there. It’s 10:29pm and you arrived late to the party. Everyone is clearly blasted. Everyone is also clearly having a ball and you want to partake. You pour yourself a rum with a little coke. You chug it and repeat.

One hour later, you’re in hell. You’ve just played a little game called catch-up and you’re the big loser. Curled up in a little ball in your friends bedroom, all you can say before you throw up again is, “Bowl please”

Your one goal in Vegas is to avoid this situation.

I’m going to give myself an A- for the most recent Vegas trip. I got docked minor points for two discretions. First, I over-drank slightly on night one and, second, I didn’t drink much on the last day because of a stellar Girls Girls Girls experience.

Other than that, it was a perfectly executed Vegas drinking adventure. I stayed pleasantly buzzed for a good portion of the trip and, when called upon, I got seriously hammered, but never got sloppy enough to yarf.

Go. Rands.

Given this rather loosely defined definition of booze success in Vegas, let’s talk about your drinking strategy while in Sin City by first debunking one common myth.

“The Drinks Are Free”

No, they’re not. Nothing is free in Vegas. It’s an elaborate shell game that has you directly in its sites and the sooner you realize this, the better prepared you’ll be.

While gambling, there are waitresses who are offering you drinks, but you are paying for this privilege by gambling at whatever table/slot machine you happen to be pouring your money into. In fact, they’re using booze to make sure that when you’re down $650 at the craps table and have $120 sitting on the pass line that you’re going to wait that extra 3 minutes for that drink, during which time you’ll lose that money and dip for more.

Here are some ways to maximize your drink per dollar.

Go to a casino which has reasonably priced tables.

By reasonable, I mean the table game that you want to play is usually $5, but might be $10 at night. Most of the popular casinos on the strip do not fall into this category, but there are many other casinos on the strips that don’t have the marketing dollars to dent the zeitgeist of the United States, so they have this type of gambling.

Game selection is key to keeping that drink per dollar ratio down. By far, the best drinking game (and best all-around game) is Pai Gow poker. This is a single deck simple poker game where you’re playing two hands against the house. If both hands win, you win. If one wins, you push. If both lose, you lose. This means there are lots of pushes, which means you’re not actively losing money. They also shuffle the cards with every hand, which means a lot of dead time. All of this translates into much more time to acquire drinks while not losing money. Read my forthcoming Gambling column to see how other popular games stack up against Pai Gow.

PRACTICAL EXPERIENCE: My favorite strip casino that falls into this category is the Barbary Coast. Located across the street from Ballys, the Barbary has the looks of a dive bar, but in reality offers cheap gambling and a high booze factor. The gang sat at $5 Pai Gow tables for most of the weekend whereas across the street at Ballys the same gambling was $10 to $25.

NOTE TO STRIP CLUB ENTHUSIASTS: No, the drinks at strips aren’t free… or, at least, aren’t at the strip clubs I attend. Normal drinks will run you anywhere between $5 to $10. I believe fully nude clubs don’t even allow booze now. (More on this in our Girls Girls Girls column)

Connect with the waitress.

This is hard. Vegas Waitresses are notoriously slow and, if reasonably good looking, probably hate men because, HELLO, they’re hit on by drunks for a living. If you make a connection with a waitress, you’re likely to see her more often and, if you’re lucky, she’ll even enhance your gambling experience. A simple way to start here is to tip the waitress; I usually tip a $1 a drink.

PRACTICAL EXPERIENCE: We hit the long ball on this category in the most recent trip. While the Barbary Coast waitresses aren’t all that much to look at, they are going to work for those tips. Our waitress quickly detecting that we were a bachelor party and recognized there was money to be made. She was bringing us refills when were only halfway through our current drinks and then took the extra step of bringing the boys a variety of shots. This gave us the pleasant illusion of “additional free booze”, but really meant “the big tippin’ stooges will stay longer”.

Suffice to say, we frequented the Barbary for most of the weekend.

Stick with a single alcohol.

Anyone who went to college figured this out long ago, but it’s important to remember because the goal is to stay drunk, but not to spin off into the Land of Vomit. The second you start mixing it up alcoholically, you’re asking for big trouble. This is doubly-important during the binge drinking at strip clubs when you’re buying drinks for strippers who want bizarre drinks like the infamous “Surfer on Acid”.

PRACTICAL EXPERIENCE: In a full day in Vegas, I have two phases of drinking. Morning Drinking and Drinking. Morning Drinking is usually Baileys Coffee. This is the perfect mix for the double buzz of booze and caffeine.

At some point, I switch over to mixed drinks. This usually occurs before noon. In the case of this trip, the alcohol of choice was vodka. I averaged 8 screwdrivers before dinner. I averaged the same amount of Vodka / Redbulls at the strip club.

Jump start with homemade drinks.

I don’t recommend this, but it’s a decent way to save some cabbage. You can buy a significant amount of booze + soda for $20 at any of the liquor stores on the strip and if you want to jump start your drinking, it’s a good way to go.

The reason I don’t recommend this is because casino drinks are not that strong.

Huh, Rands, are you high? I want strong drinks. BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOZE.

No, you don’t. Strong drinks get you to one place and that is Yarf Town. Think about this for a second. Casinos want you to spend money and they know that if they offer you booze, you’re likely to spend more money, but if you drink too much, you’re useless to them because of chunk blowage.

Translation: Someone… somewhere has done a lot of work to figure out what the cost effective drink is to serve at a casino. It’s not what you’re buying at a bar, it’s about half, but it’s strong enough to get you drunk, keep you drunk, but keep you gambling.

Don’t think you’re smarter than casino because you’re not. They’ve been doing this for fifty years and you’re some punk twenty four year old who is still figuring girls out. Let them pour the drinks.

PRACTICAL EXPERIENCE: Sports Bars are usually a great spot to land the fictional free drink. Normally, all you need is a valid betting slip on your table in order to qualify for the label of “gambler”. Unfortunately for our bachelor party, the MGM Grand Sports Book wasn’t having any of this. Rather than paying $5 for drinks we could have for free, Mittelfinger decided to buy booze, mixers, and cups. As we were sitting in the Sports Book for many hours, this booze augmentation worked out nicely.

Binge drink responsibly.

Binge drinking is an essential component of any Vegas trip. I usually reserve my big night for the strip clubs because that is when I want my reality altered as much as humanly possible.

Yes, binge drinking involves walking a pretty thin line. How do you drink heavily, yet stay away from the technicolor yawn? Sticking with a single alcohol helps, but, even then, you’re going to blow it because your buddy has an open tab and the stripper on your lap wants to do kamikaze shots? SURE THING TOOTS AND YOU REALLY LOVE ME RIGHT?

My best advice here is to avoid shots. Shots are a sure fire ticket to hell. Remember, Vegas is a marathon, not a sprint.

PRACTICAL EXPERIENCE: We saved our main binge drinking for our night at Olympic Gardens (“OGs”). We all had a large dinner beforehand, which is a great way to soak up the booze. OGs gives you two drinks with the $20 cover charge. These drinks were quickly gobbled up by two screwdrivers. Note: strip club drinks are no better than casino drinks even though you’re paying for them.

I stuck with screwdrivers for the next two drinks while the OG Rookies got dances from the first girls who sat in their laps. After that, I opened a tab for the table and kicked the evening into high gear with a round of kamikazes for the group. Shots are a great way to introduce your body to binge drinking because, remember, you’ve been drinking all day and, face it, it’s time to take it to another level. YES I SAID SHOTS WERE A BAD IDEA, BUT I ALSO SAID IT’S A THIN LINE. FUCKER.

After two more rounds of shots, I shifted it down a gear to the Vodka/Redbull for the rest of evening. This late night drink is a key ingredient to staying focused whilst being unable to walk. I highly recommend it.

I’d call this successful binge drinking because I was seriously lit while never experiencing that “oh shit” sensation of impending barfdom.

PUKE ON YOUR SHOES NOTE #2: I’ve never had the pleasure of throwing up in Vegas, but, trust me most establishments are well prepared for the event. If you feel an impending spew, the best advice I can offer is: get to the bathroom, aim for the toilet, and pray for the best. If you’re witless then it’s not your problem now, is it?

Drinking in Vegas is essential because you must reinforce the reality distortion field that surrounds it. You must believe that it is ok to blow $1000 at a card game which is designed to fleece you. You must learn to ignore that constant hangover that you’ve developed by Day #2. And, finally, you must believe that the objectification of women is WELL SHIT A GREAT IDEA AND BY GOLLY SHE’S A STRIPPER WITH A HEART OF GOLD.

Booze makes you dumb and dumb people have more fun in Vegas.

Next up: How To Get Fleeced and Have Fun…

Rands Vegas System -- PREPARATION

My current trip to Vegas is for Papagarzio’s bachelor party. I’m lucky enough to be a part of the wedding party, but not TOO LUCKY, as I’m not the best man who has actual responsibility.

The date for the Vegas trip was selected many months ago to coincide with the Kentucky Derby which is only a minor plus for me, but Squarehead, also in the wedding party, loves to bet on the ponies and, as we’ll discover, sports books are excellent spots to acquire free booze at cut rate prices.

Fortunately for me, the bachelor party predefines a structure for the trip. You will hang with the guys. You will gamble. You will have a dinner somewhere. And, you will drool on strippers.

Your trip to Vegas may be a bachelor party or it may not. Regardless, you’ll need to consider the following things before you step on the plane:

THE POSSE

In planning your trip to Vegas, the first question you should ask yourself is, “Who am I going with?” If this answer is, “No one” then you should stop reading right now. The Rands Vegas System designed for folks who want to hang with the groups of people who have a mutal interest in maximizing their Vegas fun… it’s the premiere place to hang out A “No one” answer probably means:

- You’re going to seriously gamble and expect to win
- You’re planning on getting some trim and don’t want anyone to know
- You’re a complete loser

The System is not going to teach you how to gamble. It’ll teach you what to gamble on. I’m not going to get you laid, but I’ll point you in the right direction. If you’re a complete loser, well, maybe the System will make you less of one. Keep reading.

THE INTINERARY

As my trip is a bachelor party, I can pretty much guess what I’m going to be doing… it’s pretty much the same thing I do every time I’m there.

• Gambling (Drinking)
• Eating (Drinking)
• Strip Clubs (Drinking)
• Sleeping (Not Drinking)
• Repeat

I would argue that the person who is a frequent visitor of Vegas is pretty much doing the same thing. If you’ve never been, you’ll probably want to add a fifth bullet which is “See a show”, which is a typical rite of passage, but something that you’ll rapidly stop doing if you’re in Vegas more than once a year.

I’m not saying the shows aren’t amazing, I happen to be a large fan of Cirque du Soleil (oh yes, Blue Man Group), but you’re only going to see them once. They tend to be outrageously expensive and you’ll quickly find that Gambling + Strip Clubs + Good Friends will provide more than enough entertainment.

SPECIAL NOTE TO HOOVER DAM ENTHUSIASTS: If you’ve made your list of things to do and one of them is “See the Hoover Dam” or similar touristy event. DO NOT GO TO VEGAS. Vegas is about the strip… if you want to get out and see some nature, I highly recommend just about any place else. Getting to and from Natural Wonders is expensive and HELLO THE NATURAL WONDER IS VEGAS HELLO MCFLY ANYONE HOME?

THE MONEY

It all comes down to one thing in Las Vegas. Money. If you don’t have extra, don’t go. Plain and simple. You will be encouraged to spend money in every single thing that you do and when you return you will be so acclimated that you’ll reach for your wallet to tip your girlfriend after your welcome home blowjob. Don’t. She’ll beat you severely.

In preparation for your trip, there are two types of expenses. Fixed and Variable. The fixed expenses are ones which you can predict before you set foot in the Bellagio. The variable expenses are the ones which can really screw you.

Here’s a simple checklist which will help estimating how much money you’ll need to budget.

Fixed expenses check list:

• Air fare
• Hotel
• Shows

Variable expenses check list:

• Taxi / Transportation
• Girls Girls Girls
• Gambling
• Drinks
• Food
• Back-up cash
• Bail

QUICK TIPS ON ESTIMATING FIXED EXPENSES

Flights: I really can’t comment on Air fare because it varies wildly depending on your home town, but I will point out that you should do everything possible to avoid major conventions. They just clog everything up. I’m also a fan of arriving and leaving at non-peak times as I detest crowds. Airport peak times: Friday (ALL DAY), Sunday (ALL DAY), Holidays, and major conventions. For example: for this trip I’m arriving late on a Thursday night and returning Monday early afternoon. This means that I’m avoiding the weekenders both coming in and leaving. Varl mentioned there was some convention starting on Monday, but I’ll be leaving which means plenty of Taxis returning to the airport. Bonus!

PUKE ON YOUR SHOES NOTE #1: If it’s Saturday morning, you’re out of money, hung over, cleaning vomit off your shoes, and your flight still isn’t until Monday, GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE NOW. The longer you will stay, the more miserable you will be. Don’t worry about your friend who fell in love with that stripper and plans on returning… HE’S STILL DRUNK. Call your airline, they’ll be happy to adjust your flight because no one is leaving Vegas on Saturday and you’re freeing up a seat for when people actually are leaving on Monday.

HOTEL: I’ve always been a fan of staying on the strip. There are definitely cheaper ways to find a place to sleep, but hotels on the strip are, well, on the strip. This means that you are reasonably close (sometimes walking distance) to other hotels and this can mean less expense because of fewer transportation costs (Remember: IT COSTS TO BREATHE IN VEGAS). A major disadvantage of strip hotels is that the gambling (see: GAMBLING) can be on the expensive side, but cheaper gambling is always a short walk away. These days, I tend to favor the Monte Carlo. It’s a strip hotel and it tends to sport reasonable prices year round. For this trip, we’ll be staying at the amazingly centrally located Ballys hotel which might be a littler pricier, but makes up for it in location — it’s right in the middle of everything.

SHOWS: As I mentioned, I don’t attend shows. If you must go to a show, the only ones worth it are Cirque and Blue Man Group. Both are infinitely more entertaining whilst enhanced. NO I DON’T KNOW SIGFRIED AND ROY ARE COMING BACK.

QUICK TIPS ON VARIABLE EXPENSES

You know what you want to do (roughly) and you’ve set-up your flight and your hotel. The good news is that you’ve got a place to sleep. The bad news is that you haven’t even begun to spend money. Welcome to the wonderful world of VARIABLE EXPENSES.

TRANSPORTATION: Here’s a typical rookie maneuver. You’re standing in the Excalibur (located at one end of the strip) when decide to venture to a new casino. You walk outside and look down the strip. From Excalibur, you can see New York, New York, the Tropicana, MGM… further down is Monte Carlo, Ballys, Caesar’s Palace… and all those casinos look delectably close.

They aren’t.

Remember two things. First, you are in the middle of a desert. Two, these casinos are fucking huge. Unless you live in San Francisco or New York City, your brain is simply not used to judging how tremendously large these casinos are and when you see them on the strip, your brain erroneously tells you, “They’re big, so they must be close”.

Really, they aren’t.

A simple walk across the street from Excalibur to New York, New York can easily take you 15 minutes. YES, I SAID ACROSS THE STREET. A walk down to Ballys is somewhere between 30 minutes and an hour. Yes, you will be saving money because you will be walking, but it’s dull and it’s a desert.

A good rule of thumb is that if where you’re headed isn’t right next door, it’s probably more efficient to take a taxi. Plan on $5 a pop if you’re splitting an average ride with with friends. If you’ve got five more folks, I’d also recommend a limo. The price works out to be roughly the same, they don’t charge by the minute, and they’ll take you wherever you like (ie: liquor store, IN’n’OUT, etc). Limos are littered all over the airport. Don’t be shy; just got ask them what their rates are. You should probably be paying $5 - $10 a person and, if you like your driver, get his/her card and they’ll show up whenever you want to move the posse about.

I’ve never rented a car in Vegas. WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU RENT A CAR? WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO — SAVE MONEY? GET TO THE HOOVER DAM? NOT LISTENING LA LA LA LA

GIRLS GIRLS GIRLS: We’ll talk extensively about Girls Girl Girls in a later column, but suffice to say, the unit of currency inside of a strip club is a twenty dollar bill and that doesn’t include cover charges, or the necessary four to six drinks you’ll need to really enjoy yourself. If you’re not a complete dweeb, there is no way you’re getting out of club for under $100.

GAMBLING: Like the strippers, we’ll talk much more about this later. For me, gambling is the number one expense in Vegas. There is no magic formula that I use to budget for gambling dollars, I simply look at how long I’ll be there and decide on how much I want to spend per day. This varies, based on economic conditions, anywhere from $100/day to $1000/day. YES, JUST FOR GAMBLING.

You’ll notice that I use the words like “spend” and “expense” when referring to gambling. You’re might still be thinking, “But Rands, I am going to be a big winner. I’ll only need $50 a day because I’m going to parlay that into $500 a day for whores and booze.”

… Of course you are. Good luck with all that.

DRINKS: You really shouldn’t spend that much money on booze while you are in Vegas although this is an illusion… you are paying for your booze. When you’re sitting at the Blackjack table getting free Vodka/Red Bulls, you are paying. The casinos are merely giving you the illusion you aren’t by giving you the privilege of losing your money at the aforementioned Blackjack table. Fact of the matter is, is that it’s much cheaper to actually buy drinks at the bar, but where’s the fun in that? You can do that in your home town.

There is a way to bring down the cost of these free drinks by selecting games that are slow in nature. Obvious ones are Roulette (with lots of people at the table), Pai Gow poker, Keno, and Sports Books. Stupid ones are Blackjack and Craps. More on this later in our gambling exposé.

FOOD: There is something eerie about how secondary the process of consuming food becomes whilst in Vegas. Yes, you will eat, but it becomes an afterthought. THIS COULD BE THE DRUNKEN HAZE. There are many fine restaurants… I hear. I have not attended them much.

I’m more of the wake-up at 10am, stumble to a random buffet, and stare at soggy scrambled eggs while I order a bailey’s_coffee kind’a guy. Again, if you’re going to Vegas for the fine dining, you’ve been misled… that is not what Vegas is about. Stay in your home town and attend a four star restaurant, it will save you money and you’ll remember it.

SECRET STASH: Invariably, you’re going to blow it. I don’t specifically know how you’re going to blow, but blow it you shall. This blowing will fall into one of four categories:

1. You’ll blow a wad on gambling
2. You’ll blow a wad on Girls Girls Girls
3. A friend will blow a wad on #1 or #2
4. You’re in serious shit for some other reason

If you’re in category four, call someone who cares about you and run for it. If you end up somewhere between categories 1 through 3, you have a choice. You can GET THE HELL OUT OF DODGE or you can dip into your secret stash. I’m not talking about an extra $100 stuck in your shoe or $50 sitting under your pillow. If you’re in a state of screwedness, this money is already gone. I’m talking about emergency cash which is reasonably hard to get to. My preference has always been the ATM.

I always get all my cash out up front for a trip. That way, I can always see how I’m doing with quick count of the money clip. If I’m screwed, I’ve got the ATM. The ATM is useful in two ways. First, they are everywhere. Second, they usually have some reasonable withdrawal limit. This withdrawal limit is your savior because if you’ve built up significant momentum in your screwedness, you’re liable to do it again. The withdrawal limit on the ATM forces you to pace yourself, take a deep breath, and stop bleeding cash.

SPECIAL NOTE TO CREDIT CARD ENTHUSIASTS: Yes, I have not mentioned credit cards. Careful readers will know why. “If you don’t have the cash, don’t go.” Vegas is home to your discretionary dollars… not your debt. Use of credit cards, while attractive, means you’re going to be paying for the trip for the next few months/years PLUS INTEREST. Stupid. Leave your credit cards at home.

SPECIAL NOTE TO ATM ENTHUSIASTS: A good warning sign that you should GET THE HELL OUT is if you’re sitting somewhere, broke, staring at the clock, waiting for it to go past midnight so you can milk your withdrawal limit AGAIN. This is not where you want to be. Return to the hotel, get some rest, and leave as soon as possible.

Bail: SEE IT WAS A JOKE.

ACCESSORIES

There are other less obvious accessories that you might forget when you’re packing for that Vegas trip.

The Nice Outfit: For this trip, I’m bringing the usual assortment of shorts and shirts appropriate for trip to the desert. I always bring, at least, one very nice outfit. The crew usually makes fun of me because I primp before the big night out… “WHO ARE YOU TRYING TO IMPRESS?” Well, no one in particular, it’s just a different mood to hit the town with.

The Home Outfit: Courtesy of Papagarzio. The home outfit is the set of clothes you wear home. Doesn’t matter what it is, what does matter is that you put it in some type of plastic bag before you get to Vegas. Why? Well, no matter how hard you try, EVERYTHING on your suitcase is going to smell of stale smoke. Doesn’t matter if you don’t smoke, doesn’t matter if you get a non-smoking room. Using a home outfit can help set the stage for a comfortable transition back to reality.

The Money Clip: While this might be viewed as a glamour item (which it is), it is also very practical. The money clip not only constrains the amount of money you can carry, it also replaces your wallet. WHY DO I NOT WANT MY WALLET RANDS? Your wallet likely contains all sorts of plastic that can get you in trouble at five in the morning after your fifteenth screwdriver. If you don’t have your credit card, you can’t use it. Pretty simple.

Altoids: A convienence. Remember that your schedule is going to be all fucked up in Vegas. Day is night, night is day. If you happen to remember to brush your teeth, super. If not, Altiods can help. The Altoid is a good minty swift kick to the teeth. If you’re thinking Lifesavers are more appropriate, you’re wrong. I usually bring two boxes, one which I carry with and offer to the crew and another which lives in the hotel room. Your friends will thank you.

Water: You don’t need to get this until you’re settled in your hotel room, but you do want to purchase this before your first night out. Any good boozer knows that before you go to bed after a twenty-seven hour binge that you need as much good water as you can drink and Tylenol. There will likely be two kinds of water in your hotel room when you arrive: tap and pay per drink. The tap water blows and the pay per drink is expensive — take ten minutes to stock up before you’re stumbling.

Cell phone: Pretty obvious, but I often see folks leave their cell in their hotel room because they’re incorrectly under the impression that cell phones aren’t allowed in a casino. Incorrect. They are not allowed AT tables or IN sports bars, but they’re fine everywhere else and you’re going to need it. Normal people act bizarre in Vegas and you’re going to neeed to call them to figure out where the hell they are.

So, you’re ready. You’ve got your bank roll. You’ve got your posse. Your accessories. And you, like me, are flying out tonight at 10pm. You still have lots of questions… questions like:

1. Which strip club?
2. How should I gamble? Where should I gamble?
3. What if I puke?
4. How come I’m always losing?
5. I think I’m in love with a stripper, what should I do?
6. I’ve got two days left and 20 dollars. What now?
7. Still puking here. Help.

These questions and more will be answers in our following columns.

Next up: Knowing Your Booze…

Rands Vegas System -- PRELUDE

We’re all still laughing about the time when Vegas tried to convince the world that it was a family town. You remember this? This was back during the Internet boom, money was free, and Vegas was pretty full of itself as it’d as it had every instant multi-millionaire with huge amounts of disposible cash stumbling around the casinos literally bleeding cash.

With this new wad of cash, Vegas was wondering, What’s next? Where was the growth? Who were the new Vegas customers? What about families? In Sin City? Sure, why the hell not? If they can sell cat food on the Internet, why not get families to think of Vegas as Disneyland? Rollercoasters, yeah, that’s the ticket.

What a complete crock of shit.

There is no bigger Vegas buzz kill than stumbling out of a casino at 9am after a twenty seven hour gambling binge to find Mom and Dad and two screaming anklebiters cutting you off as they bolt to M&M World.

I have no issue with family entertainment, but Mom… Dad… there’s a reason they put Vegas far from the civilized world in the middle of a desert. IT’S BECAUSE NORMAL PEOPLE DO NOT BEHAVE LIKE THIS.

People leave their lives when they get to Vegas, they transform into tremendous assholes. It’s hard to read that sentence without thinking I’m somehow predisposed to not like these people, but I do… because I’m one of them… as regularly as humanly possible.

Vegas is Sin City. It’s an delectable adventure designed to swallow you whole and then spit you out in a haze of smoke and a a stench of booze. When Vegas is done with you, you’ll be broke, exhausted, and reeking of strippers.

Hell yes.

Like any adventure, there are rules. Obey them and you’ll increase the chances that you won’t get the shit kicked out of you. I’ve documented these rules… these guidelines in a series of columns I call the “Rands Vegas System”. I will explain the best way to experience Vegas for a person who has the following requirements:

• Wants to gamble, but knows they are going to lose money
• Wants to drink a lot for free, is willing to get really drunk, but isn’t interested on puking on their shoes
• Wants to spend lots of hours with strippers, but does not want to spend a ton of cash and is not under the illusion they’ll actually get laid

If you’re reading this and it’s harshing your perceptions about Vegas (WHAT? I WON’T GET LAID? WHAT DO YOU MEAN I WON’T MAKE A KILLING?), let me suggest you keep reading. Proper application of the Rands Vegas System will eliminate such concerns. You’ll be spending more time having fun rather than sweating the two hundred large you just blew at craps.

Yes, it will be 4am and, yes, you will be hammered at Olympic Gardens and, yes, you will believe that Trussy the blonde stripper with bodacious ta-tas is going to take you home and molest you. (Reality: She actually won’t and, here’s a FYI, under normal lighting you’d fucking bolt if you saw Trussy.)

Let’s get started with: Preparing for Vegas…

(c) 2002-2008 Rands